The Blog

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Joan Sutton Headshot

My Husband and I Now Speak in Silences

Posted: Updated:
Print Article

I don't have any desire to be young again. Like most older people, I think the world I experienced was the best one. I have no desire to Twitter and tweet, have a phone hanging, like an umbilical cord, from my ear or walk around town in what to me resembles long underwear.

But I do envy one aspect of being young: It is the only time in your life when you are confident that you know everything.

And I remember when I was young, when I knew everything.

Way back then, when I saw an old couple in a restaurant, sitting throughout a meal without apparently offering a word to each other, I used to think, "How awful," and I would vow to myself that I would never be a partner in a marriage like that, two people with nothing to say to each other. How terrible.

How little I knew.

Now, many of those who know about my husband's Alzheimer's (AD) will ask me, "Do you have any conversation at all with him?" Well, that depends on how you define conversation.

Not like the ones we used to have which began at breakfast with the arrival of three newspapers and started with a discussion of Washington, Ottawa, New York and Toronto politics. My husband set an intellectual pace, with his knowledge of politics and economics and the breakfast talk would be one in which I was challenged to think and re-think.

Then, typically we would part ways and not see each other again until late in the day when we would tell each other about our day, discuss what we had heard, learned, touch on family and finances, and if we were going out to dinner, where and with whom and -- if I had initiated the guest list -- why! If we were staying home, what we were going to eat. The latter could take quite a long time. And so it would go, from breakfast until the lights went out and the last words would be, "Good night, I love you."

I miss all that, beyond mere words. And I have found that words are just that: mere.

Days can go by now when my husband does not say a word, let alone comment on the world outside our doors. But that does not mean that we don't have a conversation. We do. There is a kind of silent communication that is as powerful as any that depended on speech. He can tell me with his eyes that he appreciates what I do for him. He can tell me with a smile that he is pleased to be with me. Without a word, he can let me know that he is not happy that I am going out, leaving him behind.

When it's a really good day, if I ask him if he loves me, he will reply "Yes," and when I ask why, he will answer, as he used to do, "Damned if I know." And, always, if I tell him, " I love you," he will answer, "Thank you, I love you too."

Does anyone really need any more than that?

I have learned to look at that old couple in the restaurant and see them now in a very different way. Perhaps they don't have anything to say to each other anymore. When you have lived a long time, the world around you does tend to repeat itself. Everything that could be said has been said. More than once. There truly isn't very much new under the sun. So, the general had an affair. Remember, so did Ike! Or so it was said.

But it is also very possible that they have moved beyond words. That what pulses between them is so strong, so deeply rooted, so much a matter of fact, that it just is. That they are just truly comfortable with each other.

That when you look at them, what you see is indeed an old married couple. And realize that is not something to pity but a state perhaps to even envy, later, when, with age, you find that you don't know much, let alone everything.

Eight Steps to a Healthy Mind

Eight Steps to a Healthy Brain
of
Share
Tweet
Advertisement
Share this
close
Current Slide
 
Sponsored Feature