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Huffy Duffy versus King Harpernicus: Who wins? Not Canada

11/03/2013 09:11 EST | Updated 01/23/2014 06:58 EST

Like many, I think King Harpernicus could have handled this whole expense mess in the Uppity Chamber better. There's been rhetorical flourishes, sure, and there's been drama as only cable news can play it. However, if I were writing the treatment I'd imagine something more befitting the spirit of this government.

To set the scene, my version starts with a cool autumn morning. The sun is struggling to crest the horizon; it knows it will be revealing something, so it's waiting for the clouds to catch up. What the King wants, the King gets, and if the sun wants to shine tomorrow...

King Harpernicus and Senator Huffy Duffy face each other as best possible, the Senator's girth defining the spatial relationship. They stare into each other's eyes. The temperature drops two degrees. This is Ottawa, remember; stuff like that happens all the time.

Pistols are proffered by the Governor General (ceremony and all), and the adversaries turn their backs to each other. They count off five paces from where they're standing. The Senator turns to fire at the King, and Nigel Wright puts a bullet in the back of Huffy's head.

Cue the simple black background with the word "FIN" in white script, and... scene.

Hey, I'm with Hugh Segal on the whole democracy and due process thing. I am, however, puzzled that Senators are surprised this kind of Putinesque putsch could happen. Okay, okay. I admit that's a bit hyperbolic; if this was happening on Putin's watch the undesirables in the Uppity Chamber would probably have been poisoned, the whole ordeal handled with some finesse. Regardless, be it Russia or Canada we all know that those who are in the Uppity Chamber serve at the pleasure of the King. He, or some prior monarch, put you there and can take you out. You can hate the playa, but you're part of the game, bro.

Speaking of playing the game, Senator Huffy's assertion that the folks in the Uppity Chamber serve the Canadian people is laughable in his particular context. It's a great act, and the fact that he has TV personality pedigree means dramatic flourishes (grandstanding?). Nonetheless, the Senator has played the game along with everyone else, and he just happened to lose. The dice were loaded, sure, but as we know the House always wins. If he served the Canadian people, he would have been brave enough to blow the whistle earlier. Either that or somebody has to explain what the Senator has done in office that has served us so well that he needed to protect himself from the bullies in his party.

To me, that's the missing piece here. What I hope comes out of this latest government fiasco is a real investigation of the Uppity Chamber, not just the auditing exercise that's been proposed. The King's long game is to show that the entire thing is a waste of money. He will move beyond the idea of electing our Senators (which is a disaster in itself, check the Fraught Straits of America for a reference point) towards abolishing them. More power, less interference, all part of the plan.

What Canada needs is for the Senate to step up and justify its existence. In the battle being played out, it is folly for Senators to assume what they do is relevant to Canadians. The cynicism runs deep.

Anything less, and in the battle of King Harpernicus versus Senator Huffy Duffy it is Canada that loses.