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One Is Enough: Why We Chose to Not Give Our Son a Sibling

Posted: 03/ 4/2012 11:49 pm

This post was originally published in The Grid


Remember that Seinfeld episode where George Constanza learns to leave on a high note? "Showmanship, George," Jerry told him adroitly. "When you hit that high note, you say goodnight and walk off."

That's what my wife and I have decided to do as parents.

We have one son, Emile, and he's pretty much perfect. The kid's an angel on airplanes, in restaurants and at movies. He's cheerful yet chill. Goes to bed at 7 p.m. and sleeps through the night; has since month seven. Even his allegedly terrible twos have been a breeze.

So we're exiting stage left. I joke that it's because I'd resent our next kid for undoubtedly being difficult (it's funny 'cause it's true!) but we're serious about the not-wanting-a-next kid-at-all. This astounds many people -- who often judgmentally tell us it's unfair to our son to deny him a sibling -- despite the increasing numbers of single-child families. The percentage was a full 41.6 per cent in the 2006 Canadian census and is sure to rise when the rest of the 2011 stats roll out this fall.

But societal pressure to reproduce twice remains strong. It's largely based on an old wives' tale -- or rather, an old psychologist's tale. As revealed by a Time magazine cover story called "The Only Child Myth" that came out just before E's birth, the stereotype of only children as being emotionally and socially stunted can be traced to a single study from 1896 (!) called "Of Peculiar and Exceptional Children." It's not that Granville Stanley Hall meant ill when he claimed "being an only child is a disease in itself" but that psychology at the time was an emerging and very imperfect science. Hell, they were called "alienists" back then.

But even if one were to buy the argument that not growing up with a sibling would make one selfish, spoiled and unable to socialize, it's not the 1890s anymore or even the 1980s. Most kids are no longer raised by stay-at-home moms. Emile has been at daycare since he turned one, which means that every day he spends eight hours with three care providers and 15 other children in the toddler room, not counting the other adults and children occupying the older rooms. He interacts with more people every day than I do.

Another argument for siblings verses playmates is simple blood ties. It's a strong one, to be sure. I have a sister whom I love fiercely, but only get to see a couple times a year since I left Vancouver. But E has three cousins (so far) and when he grows up his kids and their kids will still be blood tied, even if they didn't grow up under the same roof. My closest relative in Toronto is my cousin Mike, and technically he's my mom's cousin's son, which makes him, well, we're still not entirely sure -- second cousin once removed, maybe? Third cousin? Doesn't really matter because he's my age, my blood and my friend. That's more than family enough for us.

In the past, multiple children were born to help work the farm or run the family business, but my wife and I are downtowners working with, respectively, textiles and words for big multinationals, so that hardly holds water (not to mention the fact our house only holds three people comfortably).

My mother-in-law worries that by having one child, we're going to one day saddle E with our senior-citizen selves. But by not having two, we'll be able to afford a retirement that doesn't require Emile's financial support. The cost of raising a child to the age of majority in Canada, not counting college or university, is estimated at $243,660. That's a lot of scratch, never mind doubling it.

There are other reasons, too -- including further helping overpopulate the planet and a lack of interest in going through all the parenting stages a second time -- but the strongest reason for me personally to stop at a single is not one of logic. It's that I love Emile too much.

Being a parent is a feeling of such jolting intensity that it's unimaginable until you have such a creature built from your biology and shaped by your personality, yet somehow utterly individualistic at birth. I want Emile to have absolutely everything I can possibly give him, and yet my resources are finite.

I have only so much time and so much money, and can't bear the thought of having to divide that with a theoretical second child. Not diluting limited resources is the reason why onlies are higher achievers. With only one child we can afford orthodontia, extracurricular activities and The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. With only one child we can give him all our available attention. Then there's the thought of having to find more space in an already bursting heart. I know -- and my parents, sister and friends with multiples would reiterate -- that's not actually an issue, but I still find the idea unfathomable.

So we're walking off with our high note. Goodnight, everybody.

 
 
 
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09:41 PM on 03/12/2012
Well said. I know families with multiple children who are all selfish. It's how you raise them. I make sure my daughter shares, and I always tell her it's fun to share good things. As for playmates, she has plenty of friends at school and is involved in activities. Going on vacation is enjoyable too! But it all comes down to what you want...there's no right or wrong. Life is diverse. Some people want 2, 3, 4, and some want none. It's personal.
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08:52 PM on 03/12/2012
If you choose to have no children or only one child, it doesn't make you selfish. It's your business & no one elses. It's a matter of personal choice & only you are capable of knowing which choice you want to make. Having more than one child doesn't make it more a family. The family is already there with the parents & the child & the love among them. As far as growing up stories, there are many to be made with the parents & friends. I came from a family of seven children, and not one of us is close. You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family. Nothing is gauranteed in life...so..enjoy your family of one child & don't let others belittle or pressure you. I myself have only had one child & have never regretted my choice to keep it at one.
07:31 PM on 03/12/2012
Wanting more than one child is natural. Not long ago, chances are one of your children wouldn't live to adulthood. We have more than one child for security's sake, just like animals do. To pass on the family genes! Now that we are all living longer, and better lives, the need for more than one doesn't seem as necessary. Makes perfect primitive sense to me!
03:38 PM on 03/12/2012
I'm a single child. I love being one... when I was younger I'd complain about not having a younger sister.. but now, I see that it's not always mutual. The feeling of sisterliness is sometimes one sided. Anyways, I think having an only child allows parents to focus their attention on their one precious bundle, rather than choosing one over the other (which often does happen in families...so sad! Whether they make the siblings compete for affection or favour one more than the other). Hey people with one child are usually more wealthier, to a degree, than parents with a brood of children.

Anyways, only children actually listen to people and learn better ( in my opinion) than people who must yabber on to compete for their parent's attention when there are three or four siblings!
12:20 PM on 03/12/2012
It is selfish definitely. By depriving your son of a brother or a sister you deprived him of an experience that is priceless. You will not know the answer until your son is able to answer you from the heart.He is a unique person, a different individual from you. He is not a robot. He is a human person with feelings and emotion and memories. Life is not all material well being. I hope you made a right decision for him.

In the future, your only child will have no brother no sister, (if he chooses one child too) his child will have no sister or brother, no cousins, no aunts no uncle. no stories to tell about his growing years with siblings, cousins, .. will not experience the love of the same...What a shame. .no family reunion, no biking with cousins, no swimming with brother, no kid fight with his younger brother and sister... What a life. Sad to say you have not experience the true happiness that you would like your only son to experience. If he decides not to get married.. and not have children... that is the end of your family. I will not say good night but Good Bye!!!
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08:57 PM on 03/06/2012
It is good to see
people
offer up information
on the choices they have made
and had success with...
to
give other
people
more
options
in their lives.
Thankyou.
03:12 PM on 03/06/2012
Having only one child isn't a bad idea. I feel as long as the child has family close by and can be socialized well, they will turn out fine. The only thing that I worry about is them becoming selfish, but that is up to the raising.
I am only 24 and still unsure if I will have children. I always said if I did, I would have two. I think I will just see how I feel with one and go from there.
01:23 PM on 03/06/2012
I disagree with the stated cost of raising kids. Perhaps the first child would cost this much but sharing resources would make this number decrease substantially with subsequent children.
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08:03 PM on 03/05/2012
Two of my sons opted for the one child as well. I have four from each of my other two children and I am happy with 10 grandkids. Although, I will admit that I secretly long for the chinese granddaughter I never had. Maybe in another life....
03:55 PM on 03/05/2012
Your call, your business. Why do you feel the need to defend your choice?
01:43 PM on 03/06/2012
Because if people didn't write about their choices and opinions...we'd have nothing to read! Loved this post - well said!
03:11 PM on 03/05/2012
Good thinking. Too bad the religulous oppse people who think like you.
01:33 PM on 03/06/2012
I would hazard to guess that most religious people would not care at all.
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
marianproletarian
01:48 PM on 03/05/2012
Hear, hear--my feelings exactly. Every now and then my son wishes he had a sibling to play with. I just have to remind him (and myself) that having a brother or sister does not necessarily mean instant buddy. If we had had a second child when I felt somewhat ready to, that child would still be 2 to my son's 5--I doubt he'd be pleased with much of their playtime, and I know he would not be happy having to share all his big-kid toys with a "baby." I do think about his future, though. I have 4 siblings, and we are all pretty close. Hopefully he'll stay close with his cousins and their kids.
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Creox
Life is too important to take seriously.
12:40 PM on 03/05/2012
Nice post. My wife and I decided to not have children at all and we have never regretted it. The world needs less people, not more. When we were at child rearing age we had a bit of the backlash and "you're being selfish" crap but now at age 46 this has stopped for some time. I also think the times have changed peoples perspectives.
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jf12
When I saw her I marveled greatly.
12:21 PM on 03/05/2012
I wanted another kid, but my wife didn't. The end.
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
offred
A biocitizen is 3/5 of a corporate citizen
12:20 AM on 03/05/2012
Bravo! Well said!

Mother Earth thanks you too.