This HuffPost Canada page is maintained as part of an online archive.

Many Things in Life Are Grey, But Rape Is Black and White

If a woman says "no" to you, you are a rapist. If at any point during sexual contact she says "no," you are a rapist. If the woman expresses a desire for you to stop in any way, including words such as "this is not OK," you are a rapist. If the woman is too far under the influence to verbally give consent to a sexual act, you are a rapist. There is no colour in these rules. These are the black and the white.
This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.
Getty

About a week ago, I read, unfortunately, another story of a gang rape at a college in the United States. The crime involved three fraternity brothers who sexually assaulted a young woman named Sarah Butters during spring break in 2013.

The assault was filmed, and in the video, an intoxicated Butters reportedly told the boys that it "wasn't a good idea" and that it "wasn't OK." Butters claims to not remember the ordeal, but the video was soon released to the other students at the college. When fellow students saw the video, they communicated to Butters that it was, in fact, a sexual assault and that she should take immediate action against the three boys.

Unlike a lot of sexual assault victims, Sarah Butters did bring her case to the University administration. In a shocking turn, the University ruled that the boys, three seniors named Mike Lunney, Jay Dertzbaugh, and Nick Scallion were to receive expulsion from the institution, but only after they had graduated. Butters appealed the decision, but her appeal was rejected in two subsequent hearings. Since the case was reported, two of the three boys have received their degrees, while Butters has withdrawn from the university.

This is the fourth or fifth of these crimes that I have heard about in the past year. They seem like horror stories that follow the same plot; an intoxicated girl is taken advantage of by a group of boys, filmed, and is humiliated by the ensuing video. Though the endings vary from anywhere to mere crippling depression to suicide, the stories play out like a broken record that can't be turned off.

It's easy for us to hate the rapists. The violation isn't enough, they are also humiliating the victims by distributing physical evidence of what might be the worst night of their lives and forcing them to re-live it every time a new person clicks on the link. The hate thickens when we see them laughing about it. Everything that we were taught about being human, about being good and kind is obliterated in the cadences of heartless guffaws. The word "hate" may not even cover it.

But there's something more that we need to talk about here. Hate, it seems, is not the answer we are looking for. Though humans have evolved past a specific point, our knowledge in the dealings of right and wrong have not. Morality is no longer segmented into black and white; it supports a spectrum of grays that transition into every colour imaginable. Even so, the entirety of the moralistic colour wheel cannot be complete without the alpha and the omega, the black and the white. It is then up to us as "developed" human beings to teach our young where their decisions land on the spectrum, and when they have veered away from colour entirely.

There are dealings that are good, and then there are thousands of combinations of others that are acceptable. There are dealings that bad, and then thousands of others that are merely questionable. Even so, that black and white can never change their hue. In this world, there are actions that are unquestionably wrong. Rape, in all of its ugly forms, is one of them.

At this point, I am speaking to the young men of the University; Mr. Lunney, Mr. Dertzbaugh, and Mr. Scallion. I am speaking as well to the administrators of the University that granted their Magna Cum Laude, to the other young men who have acted as these students have, and to those who have felt that it was in their right to violate a woman under the influence. Read this well, all of you, and take note:

If a woman says "no" to you, you are a rapist. If at any point during sexual contact she says "no," you are a rapist. If the woman expresses a desire for you to stop in any way, including words such as "this is not OK," you are a rapist. If the woman is too far under the influence to verbally give consent to a sexual act, you are a rapist. There is no colour in these rules. These are the black and the white.

Some people have liked to state that the woman in such situations is partially responsible. Others may not even know that what they have done is "rape." Understand, you men, that she has no responsibility to you. Dressing provocatively, partying with the "guys," and even seeming like she "wants" it are not invitations to exploring your sexuality with her. Even if she says she wants you and then changes her mind, she holds no responsibility to you. It is your job not as a man, but as a human being to respect her wishes and put your urges aside. To not do so and to continue moving forward is rape.

Understand the consequences of rape. For the victim, they may face a lifetime of therapy, an inability to trust other people, depression, self-hatred, suicidal thoughts, guilt, shame, and a fear of everything from personal relationships to leaving their own home. Rape takes a piece of the soul out that can't be returned. Like a limb that is removed, it cannot be regrown, and in time, the amputee learns to deal with the prosthetic mechanism that takes its place. It's never-ending process in some cases.

To the case at hand, I'd like to speak now to the university in the case of the Sarah Butters. By allowing the three boys to graduate and ignoring Butters' plea for help, you have not only ignored a young woman in need, but you have also condoned rape. This was a black and white case, ladies and gentleman of the Institution. I wonder how you were able to sleep after your decision was made. If another case like this shows up in the near future and the young men responsible are not brought to justice, as you were capable of doing, I hope you understand that this lack of attention reflects upon you.

And to Sarah Butters, I offer my love. You're not alone. I am sorry for what you have gone through, and I pray that you find the support you need. Help is always available when you ask for it, and though your university has failed you, there are others that will not. All the best to you, Sarah.

We are all accountable for our actions. Not all men are rapists, nor are all men capable of such a crime. It is important as we hear these stories to remember this, and to acknowledge that there is goodness in this world. Even when the media is filled with hopelessness, we must never lose site of the potential we all have to be better. Even those who have done terrible things are worthy of redemption. With love, honesty, and courage, we can not only heal from such crimes, but we can also prevent further ones from occurring.

Everyone is valuable, man and woman. Remember that.

ALSO ON HUFFPOST:

Getty
Getty
Getty
Getty
Getty
Getty
Getty
Getty
Getty
AP
AP
Close
This HuffPost Canada page is maintained as part of an online archive. If you have questions or concerns, please check our FAQ or contact support@huffpost.com.