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Top 10 Worst Christmas Songs Ever

Posted: 12/21/2012 2:30 pm

'Tis the season...to hear endless loops of holiday music and feel tempted to strangle someone with red and green garland.

While some Christmas carols might actually bring joy to the world, there are a lot of songs that we want to throw out with the decaying holly and the ivy.

Without further ado, here are the Top 10 Worst Christmas Songs:

10. The Twelve Days of Christmas: Let's face it. Unless Bob and Doug McKenzie or the Muppets are singing this version, forgo it at all costs. Or, if you can't control the music dial, find some eggnog. You'll have time to down an entire bowl along with the partridge that's flailing in it, all while the five..golden...rings... are becoming more and more precious. Here, Gollum. Come on, Boy.

9. Feliz Navidad, by Jose Feliciano. It's decidedly challenging to make the Spanish language sound un-sexy. This song does it by helping us find the bottoms of our hearts. And stomachs.

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  • #10 - The 12 Days of Christmas is a popular Christmas carol, but terrible. Come on. We get it...you don't need to keep repeating yourself.

  • #9 - Feliz Navidad. Congrats, Jose. You are the first person to make Spanish sound unsexy.

  • #8 - Santa Baby. Santa should not be sexy or cutesy or anything creepy like that.

  • #7 - Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer. Yuck, yuck, yuck. What is wrong with people who sing this?

  • #6- All I Want for Christmas Is You duet with Mariah Carey and Justin Bieber. The age difference between these two is kind of gross.

  • #5 - Jingle Bells as barked by dogs. Seriously. If you play this at Christmastime, Christmas will be ruined. Forever.

  • #4 - Jingle Bells by Barbara Streisand. How anyone could make a version worse than the barking dogs is beyond us, but Babs made it happen.

  • #3 - I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas. This song is so bad it would have likely been self-erased from the minds of humankind by now, but then those geniuses over at Telus had to bring it back in a commercial. We hope everyone the creative department over at Telus has a yearly dump of coal in their stockings.

  • #2: Christmas song by Alvin, Simon and Theodore. Seriously, guys. Don't quit your day job. You're horrible.

  • #1- The Christmas Shoes. So sappy and cheesy. So uncomfortable.

8. Santa Baby, by anyone who dares. Let's face it: Santa has had too many babies. That's what given us so many saccharine songs.

7. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer. Every time I hear this song, I wish I'd been run over by a reindeer.

6. All I Want for Christmas Is You, by Mariah Carey and Justin Bieber. This may be the first time that the Minipops label does not need to record with kids because it would sound identical to the original.

5. Jingle Bells, the barking dog version. If I wanted to hear barking dogs, I'd drop by a kennel over the holidays.

4. Jingle Bells, by Barbara Streisand. Ranked only slightly lower than the canine version is the songstress's wispy, sped-up version. Pass the Xanax, please.

3. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas. And if, instead of a hippopotamus for Christmas, I get this song, please include some heavy-duty earplugs.

2. Christmas Song, by Alvin and the Chipmunks. If I wanted a helium-infused Christmas, I'd kiss a clown under some mistletoe.

1. The Christmas Shoes. When I asked people to nominate the worst Christmas song on my Ironic Mom Facebook page, The Christmas Shoes received the most votes. This holiday ballad takes sap (and I'm not talking about maple syrup) to a new level.

Now it's your turn: What Christmas songs make you want to add more rum to your eggnog?
 

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