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These Fill-In-The-Blanks Show The Darkest Side Of Narcissism

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Lately, the World Wide Web has exploded with articles about narcissism. The shenanigans of characters like Donald Trump and Kanye West have inspired writers worldwide to dip their quill in the narcissism inkwell.

But what if narcissism isn't what we assume it is? Yes, narcissists project an über-confident, egotistical image but most researchers believe this is merely a smokescreen to disguise extremely low or even non-existent self-esteem.

It's kinda hard to put narcissism into words, so I thought why not demonstrate it because actions speak louder than words.

And the actions of narcissists are shocking... horrifying... and sometimes hilarious. My Facebook friends recently shared hundreds of real-life stories of the shocking behaviour of the narcissists in their lives.

The funniest tales have already been published on PsychCentral in an article entitled "If (Fill-In-The-Blank)...You Might Be a Narcissist." But it only just scratched the surface! Here are even more tales... and I'm still only just scratching the surface.

"Fasten your seatbelts. It's gonna' be a bumpy ride!" -- All About Eve

If you tell every intimate partner, "You're the one I've been waiting for my whole life," you might be a narcissist.

If you're busted cheating but blame it all on the person you cheated on and say you did it "for a greater cause," you might be a narcissist.

If you show your 14-year-old niece your Playgirl magazine and tell her, "This is where I keep it if you ever want to look at it," you might be a narcissist.

If you're a 40-year-old woman screwing a 17-year-old guy because you're jealous that your teenage daughter has a teenage boyfriend, you might be a narcissist.

If you tell your girlfriend, "If I said I love you 'just the way you are' I'd be lying," you might be a narcissist.

If you don't know the difference between fucking and making love, you might be a narcissist.

If you fly into a rage and yell, "You're bullying me!" at your spouse simply because they have a different opinion than you, you might be a narcissist.

If everything bad that's ever happened to you during your entire life was clearly the fault of other people, you might be a narcissist.

If you're cozily ensconced in your recliner and order your spouse (who's on crutches with a broken foot) to make you breakfast, you might be a narcissist.

If your wife's in the hospital, fighting for her life, and you call her and yell, "Get your fucking fat ass off your death bed and collect your children from school," you might be a narcissist.

If your 60-year-old mother falls down the stairs and you do nothing about it, you might be a narcissist.

If you tell your children that you'll kill them or kill their mother if they don't do as they're told, you might be a narcissist.

If you forbid your spouse from answering the house phone, eating food from the fridge or answering the door, you might be a narcissist.

If you smash your spouse's cell phone saying, "If you can't answer the first time I call, you don't need a phone," you might be a narcissist.

If you tell someone you're lying on the highway waiting for a truck to drive by and "end it all," but the police find you happily at home munching Doritos® and watching TV, you might be a narcissist.

If you have three phones and six extra SIM cards and you take them everywhere with you (even to the toilet!), you might be a narcissist.

If you punch your elderly father and then say, "Yes, I did hit him and I'm proud of holding back. I'm trained in jujitsu so I knew what I was doing. If I'd lost control, he'd be dead," you might be a narcissist.

If you've ever manipulated your wife into attempting suicide and then said, "Look what she's doing to me!" you might be a narcissist.

If you say, "If I could get $100K for selling my child, I'd do it. I can always have more kids!" you might be a narcissist.

If you fire seven of your employees in one year because "They were the crazy ones!" you might be a narcissist.

If you badmouth every successful person simply because they're successful while whining that you can never get ahead but choose to only work part-time, you might be a narcissist.

If you believe all the pathological lies that come out of your mouth are actually true, you might be a narcissist.

If you need basic human nature explained to you (like people don't like it when you vent your anger on them, you should be courteous to waiters, and if you want people to be nice to you, then be nice to them), you might be a narcissist.

If you say hurtful things but scream that the butt of your words can't take a joke and all you wanted to do was have fun, you might be a narcissist.

If your response to a mother who lost her son to cancer is, "Oh, sorry. Did I tell you that I just got married again!? Still in the honeymoon phase!" you might be a narcissist.

If you scream at your friends' daughter just for being a normal teenager and can't understand why her father would defend her, you might be a narcissist.

If you force yourself on your wife while she's sobbing and screaming "No!" and then say, "Do you know how lucky you are that I still desire you?" after climaxing, you might be a narcissist... and a rapist!

If the first thing you say to your daughter after she tells you a man from church molested her is "Are you sure? That kind of thing can ruin a man's life," you might be a narcissist.

And last, but certainly not least...

If you get a "high" from hearing your granddaughter has cancer and your first question is "Where's my phone?!" you might be a narcissist.

And that's only a few true-life tales! Want to read more? Ah, you twisted my arm! Click here to read some of the funniest ones, and click here to read some of the craziest, most paranoiac ones.

Have some crazy "If (Fill-In-The-Blank)... You Might Be A Narcissist" scenarios of your own to share? Please add them to the comments section below so we can all enjoy and learn from them together!

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