Do you believe that attractive women can't find love? I recently read an MSN article titled "This woman says she's 'too good looking' to get a boyfriend." It was about a millennial woman that believes her appearance is the reason that is stopping her from a man taking her seriously.
In the article she mentioned, "I feel as though plain Janes have it easier because men will get to know their personality as their looks are merely average." Not only was her statement untrue, but I was also shocked to believe that some will use this as an excuse. First and foremost, what you think about most of the time will become your reality. If a "merely average" woman lives her life believing that she can't find a man because she doesn't look like Kerry Washington, Jennifer Lawrence, Zendaya or Eva Mendez, that will be her reality. On the other hand, if a beautiful woman thinks she will attract the right man into her life, her dating life will be exactly that.
When you start to believe that you are a trophy girlfriend, it is time to walk away.
I remember having a conversation a few years ago with a good friend. I told her that in my experience, being attractive can be a blessing and a disadvantage. In some cases, there are men that are intimidated to pursue beautiful women while others want to have you on their arm as if you are eye candy. The deciding factor of what a man thinks of a woman is how she dresses, her personality, dating history and the zip or postal code she lives in. I can keep adding points on the list, but at the end of the day, your thoughts lead to how you act, and your actions lead to your results.
She went on to state, "Whenever I am on a date, they only care about what I look like, they never even listen to what I am saying. My last boyfriend just paraded me around to his friends and only cared about having his photo taken with me. No man I've met so far is ever actually interested in having a conversation with me." While I believe, this may be true, when you start to believe that you are a trophy girlfriend, it is time to walk away. Maya Angelou could not have said it any better when someone shows you the true essence of who they are in the beginning -- it might be a good idea to believe them the first time.
(Photo: Valentinrussonov via Getty Images)
I remember being a big fan of The Oprah Winfrey Show in the early 2000s, and she questioned female guests on her show that shared their unfortunate breakups. Oprah Winfrey always made a point to ask her guests if there were red flags in the beginning of the relationship. Most admitted they noticed the signs while others said they had no clue.
Men are visual beings and wearing an outfit on a first date to show a man you have respect for yourself and are special might be a good idea if you believe your body or face will distract them. In a job, people dress for the position that they want. While you are dating, you should dress for the relationship goals you desire and ensure your intentions are genuine.
At the end of the day, you dictate the way that people perceive you.
The woman that expressed her experiences to MSN was, in fact, beautiful, but I know women that look exactly like her, and they are happily married or in a committed relationship. Now, some might believe that because she is a single mother, that might be the reason she is having no luck in finding a good man. That is an entirely different idea to consider.
At the end of the day, you dictate the way that people perceive you. If you change your thoughts and start to believe that you have more to offer a man than being a trophy girlfriend, the right man will come into your life.
What do you think about this story? Do you think attractive men and women are out of luck?
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"Ask yourself one key question, can I assume positive intent when it comes to this person?” says holistic coach Ekene Onu. This matters because in most good relationships, the answer is yes — and changing your mindset to consider that can provide you with needed perspective. "Even when your partner does something that impacts you negatively, if you can assume positive intent then your approach to conflict resolution will likely be different because you know that they didn't intend to hurt you,” she says.
Constantly looking for someone to blame in the relationship when things go wrong can really add a negative tone to your interactions over time. "Instead of blaming your partner for something you don't like or upsets you, try a softer approach like saying, 'I feel upset or hurt when you leave your clothes on the floor after I told you that bothers me,’” says psychotherapist Jessica Marchena. “You can also say, 'I feel unheard and my feelings don't matter to you.’"
Make an effort to start the day off on a positive note by avoiding morning nagging and arguing, says blogger Surabhi Surendra. "Morning is the most important time of the day and thus if spent peacefully and in a loving, thankful way can lead to a peaceful, happy day,” she says.
Couples often share their dreams with each other in their early days, Onu says, but don’t necessarily keep that up over the years. They might stop for a variety of reasons, big and small — but continuing to picture your partner in your future dreams can help you keep him or her in your resent, she says.
It’s natural that after a long period of time together, you fall into a day-to-day routine. And when we all live such busy lives, it can be hard to break from the regular cycle of work-kids-housework-repeat. But that can lead couples to feel more like roommates than romantic partners. "You can repair this issue by setting goals together for you as a romantic couple,” says relationship coach Ravid Yosef. “Try date nights, holding each other while watching TV, sitting down for dinner and speaking to each other — kid-free, logistics-free talk time or doing things you love doing together."
Never saying “I love you”: Making a point of sharing your feelings, even briefly, can be a good reminder to you and your partner of why you’re in for the long haul when things are tough day to day. "This builds emotional connection,” says Marchena. "Even sending an 'I love you' text lets your mate know that you are thinking of them."
It’s easy for little gestures like hugs and kisses to slowly fall out of a relationship, but they’re important to hold on to because they can help maintain your intimacy in small ways when life is busy. "I have been married for more than six years and we still begin our mornings either with a kiss or a hug,” Surendra says. "Nothing can beat this daily ritual."
Just making a point of spending time together that doesn’t involve screens can increase you emotional connection by giving you more opportunities to really talk, or to cuddle without phones and laptops in the way. "Put the phone down after a certain time and do something together, even if it is just watching TV or a movie,” Marchena says. "And also make a rule that there are to be no screens at the dinner table. Or cuddle and be together without the screens."
"Shared experiences bond partners,” Onu says. You don’t have to do everything together — but if the only experiences you share are the mundane ones of running your household, then you’re missing out on a simple way to grow your bond as a couple. "Make an effort to have more shared experiences than not,” Onu suggests. “It gives you something to remember when things get tough.” Getting back to that can be as simple as scheduling a regular date night, signing up for a class together, or planning a vacation with just the two of you.
"We're neurologically programmed to predict the future based on our past,” says Yosef, "and so we make a lot of assumptions about how our partner feels and how they will react instead of actually acknowledging what's happening in the moment and dealing with it appropriately.” Take the time to be mindful of your thoughts and what is really behind them before you just run on them based on past behaviour in your relationships or assumptions about your partner’s intentions. “Ask yourself, is this a feeling or a fact?” she says.
"Self awareness is a powerful tool of success in every area of life — particularly in relationships,” Onu says. Take some time to think about who you are and what you need from a relationship. For example, are you an introvert who needs regular alone time to recharge and bring your best self to your partner? Knowing things like that can help your relationship by making it easier to explain your needs to your partner, or to understand theirs.
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