It's a shame that even though women are making equal pay for equal work and rising in the ranks of business, industry and the professions, when it comes to sex, many of us are still not getting our due.
Some bad old habits and beliefs are keeping us from having the best sex possible. I'm suggesting seven simple, common-sense ways for women to have more fun and fulfilling sex:
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1. Don't Talk Yourself Out Of What You Need
It's too easy for us women to convince ourselves to settle for less. We're so helpful and accommodating, so eager to please and afraid of rejection that we're quick to give up the things we need, including when it comes to sex.
What we need to see is that doing this will leave us chronically frustrated. While it's true that every relationship requires a certain amount of compromise, going without the things that we really need just doesn't work. We'll end up unhappy in the relationship or resentful toward our partner.
The bottom line is, we need to know what we can't live without, sexually, and what we just can't live with. We ignore these non-negotiables at the expense of a fulfilling sex life.
2. Share Your Needs And Feelings With Your Partner
If you can't ask them for what you want in bed, you shouldn't be sleeping with them. Good sex happens when we feel safe and at ease. If we're afraid to ask for something or to tell our partner that we don't like something, sex will never be more than mediocre.
This second tip follows from the first one, in that once we identify what we want and don't want, we have to express these things clearly. It's unfair to expect our partner to be a mind-reader and "prove" that they care by somehow knowing what we want without our having to tell them. Healthy sex comes out of healthy communication.
3. Accept Your Body As It Is Now
We need to be in touch with our bodies; with what feels good, what feels not so good and what feels wrong. We also really need to stop judging ourselves in terms of our weight and our shape. Only a superficial dope would give us a hard time over our imperfections. If someone makes us feel bad about our physical selves, this is more a reflection of his inadequacies than of our own.
Our negative self-talk has to stop. The running commentary on how fat we are, how much cellulite or how many wrinkles we have is guaranteed to kill the mood, often before it even starts. Feeling good about our bodies is crucial if we're going to let go and enjoy ourselves. Being physically self-conscious will keep us from experiencing the joyful abandon of great sex.
4. Never Refuse Sex As A Punishment Or Use It As A Reward
In the bad old days, some women were led to believe that the way to get a man to toe the line is to offer sex for good behavior or withhold it when the man has displeased them. Most of us today recognize this as hateful behaviour and a recipe for disaster.
Men don't want to be controlled or punished, especially around sex. They don't want to be made to feel like little boys. When we're hurt or angry at our partner, we need to share our feelings with him in an adult way. We can even say that we're too upset for sex, right now. What we mustn't ever do is make him feel like we're deciding when he gets to have sex, based on whether he's been "good" or "bad."
On the other hand, using sex as a reward turns us into sex objects and makes sex into a commodity for our partner to "earn." It's no longer two people being intimate or enjoying each other. Commodifying sex makes it into a business transaction and our bodies then become objects for trade.
5. No Pets In The Room
We might love Fluffy or Rover, but they don't belong in the bedroom when we're being intimate. Our pets are very territorial and could get jealous or want to play, too. Dogs might bark or even growl. Cats might jump onto the bed and start walking around. We can avoid these disasters by remembering to shut the door and leave our four-legged friends outside.
6. Have A Sense Of Humor
Sex is about connection and intimacy, but also it's about having fun. It can be mind-blowingly great or occasionally, things can go wrong. Having a good sense of humor about sex will keep things in perspective.
Being able to laugh at ourselves and at the comical aspects of sex will take the pressure off the whole experience. We might love and adore our partner, but we don't have to be so serious about making love to them. Humour relieves pressure and is a great way to connect.
7. Enjoy The Give And Take
The best sex is the kind in which each person is trying to please the other one. The sharing in sex is one of the things that make it great. It can be technically amazing, but when one person gets the impression that the other person really isn't there with them, it can ruin the whole experience.
What makes someone a fantastic lover is not their technical ability or their repertoire of moves but their attentiveness and their efforts to make their partner happy. When both people show that they really care about meeting their partner's needs, sex becomes something wonderful.
So, these are seven ways to take your sex-life from just OK to really spectacular. How do you know that they work? Well, you'll just have to start practicing, and find out for yourself.
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Follow Marcia Sirota on Twitter:
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http://emmanuelleundine.blogspot.com/
The problem with sex in our world is the ABSENCE of the Spirit of God. Sexual energy that is separated from the Spirit is separated from the Light of God and has in part led to our world's sexual problems.
Just to be clear, there is no outside "holy voyeur". I am talking about the Spirit of God that is above all, in all, and through all things. I am talking about recognizing this enlivening, empowering, alive presence that is already within us, and going to the deeper, higher level of sexual intimacy that is including the Spirit. It sounds like you and your wife have naturally included this higher dimension into your relationship. I am speaking to those who have been hurt, wounded, traumatized, or maybe even been abused by an expression of sexuality that is separated from numinosity. I am talking about sexual addiction, for instance, where the physical release is only on the physical level and is only satisfying for the moment and must be repeated, often with a higher stimulus to get the same release. Apart from the Spirit this activity is not connected to the heart or soul, and can lead to dysfunction. Instead of porn or promiscuity or acting out, connecting with our higher power can heal the wound to the heart or ego and lead to lasting satisfaction and true intimacy. I am very happy that you have found fulfillment and contentment. There are a multitude of hurting, suffering people in the arena of sex, looking for a physical release and longing for a deeper, seemingly out of reach true intimacy.
http://www.holisticwisdom.com/sex-positions.htm
Nothing says bedroom fun like trying to put your knee behind her head while she puts her legs over your shoulders. I just made that last bit up so do not try it. You might get hurt.
Oh for all you puzzled chaps having a grizzle, in a conversation with junior, I'm setting up a not-for profit charity in partnership with a large number of enthusiastic lesbians I know. All these poor women suffering from the substandard pawing and the dastardly overabundance of uneducated gents. So very many popular letters in the alphabet but so very few O's it seems. Well, fear not, this ladette crew in grand great-society fashion will take you gentlemen from unfortunate fumbling and buffoonish dominance, to delicately delightful touches and cadences to make your own mothers proud.
Even super skinny models have stretch marks AND cellulite.
Kids or no kids.
You sound like you've bought into the whole photoshop/ airbrush/ makeup coverage-thing.
BOWCHIKKABOW
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Starved-Marriage-Couples-Boosting-Libido/dp/0743227328
I found it very helpful. Good luck.