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5 Things My Kids Would Tell Your Kids If They Knew How to Blog

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My three kids are currently too young to blog. The twin two-year-olds can't write yet; and while the six-year-old can write, he types with one finger, and does even that only in exceptional circumstances. Like when he's playing a military strategy game on the iPad and it insists he name the warship he's just created in order to continue. (He usually chooses something novel like "Boat.")

But given my job, I often wonder what my kids would blog if they could. I imagine it would probably be a set of commandments for other kids - a public declaration of advice about how the young person's life is best lived. Here's what I think it would say:

1. Always jump on the furniture. And by always, we mean every single time. If you jump on it inconsistently, your parents will try to work out a logical pattern behind your behaviour. They'll say things to each other like, "See? He only jumps on the furniture when he eats sugar after five p.m." Or, "This business about him cliff-diving off the ottoman is only a problem when you let him skip his nap." The end result will be less chocolate and an earlier bedtime for you. So, just bounce on that couch cushion every time you see it, even if you're feeling sluggish or uninspired. It'll pay off in the long run.

2. Selectively feign deafness on a regular basis. This is the best way to avoid things like putting your blocks back in the box, eating two more bites of kale casserole, or taking your sibling's shoe off your head. But don't take the hard-of-hearing act too far, or you'll end up at the doctor's office, which is something you really don't want. Doctors have cold hands, outdated toys and cruel ideas about how to use popsicle sticks. They're not your friends and should be avoided.

3. If, despite your best efforts, you do end up at the doctor's office, scream loudly until you're offered some chocolate, a lollipop or another sugary confection. Do not accept a Dora hand-stamp, a sticker depicting some second-rate Disney character you've never even heard of, or a sugar-free lollipop as consolation. These are all lame substitutes for the real treats you've rightfully earned. Sitting in a hot waiting room for fifty minutes, engaging in hand-to-hand combat with wheezing toddlers to gain possession of the communal electric keyboard with no batteries in it, is no easy task.

4. Don't ever admit to liking school or daycare. Your parents are going to send you to these places whether you like them or not, so you might as well earn some guilt-treats by pretending to despise them. Try to maintain a high-pitched wail until at least until 45 seconds after drop-off. It'll be good for at least an occasional sympathy Kinder egg, if not a brand new stuffy.

5. Befriend old people. They frequently carry candy and will let you stay up extra late because the numbers on your Lego digital clock are too small for them to read.

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