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Role Playing With Stephen Harper

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STEPHEN HARPER
CP File

Prime Minister Stephen Harper is set to appear on Murdoch Mysteries today. Despite my never watching the show -- or knowing which channel it airs on -- I am excited.

I am excited because our prime minister has finally gone Hollywood. Like Beyonce, Timberlake and Bieber before him, Mr. Harper is now a triple threat.

We already know Mr. Harper as our country's leader, and few can forget his debut on the music scene in 2009. What would we do if he sang out of tune? Collectively cringe, it seemed.

But now Mr. Harper's thespian side is taking shape, and I bet he has acting chops. So, I am offering myself to be Mr. Harper's agent. The Ari Gold of Parliament Hill. And as the fall television season is approaching, my assistant Lloyd and I have landed some very major roles.

Show: Glee

Role: Guidance counsellor

With the cast's largest stars departing, now the perfect time to add household name to the group. This fall season, Mr. Harper will act as a guidance counsellor equipped with an advanced understanding of the youth job market -- ready to guide graduating class members to barista jobs at local coffee shops.

Stephen (while playing piano): "I'm Sorry, Kurt Hummel. Given the economic times, there are no jobs for young people right now... especially not in the arts. Now let's sing a fun song."

Show: Jersey Shore

Role : New roommate

Given the condition of 24 Sussex, the prime minister clearly needs a new place to live. Shacking up with MTV's hottest cast wouldn't only put a roof over his head, but also help Mr. Harper change his boring and inaccessible image. I can see it now -- Snookie and The Situation getting our prime minister to fist pump. Encouraging him to use words like 'frikn' and 'guido.' Making him answer more than five questions from TMZ media. He could learn so much.

Stephen (while leaving the bar): "Sorry I cannot speak to rumours about JWOW and Pauly D 'smooshing.' However, I can tell you that tomorrow I will spend my day in the gym, then tanning, and then doing the laundry."

Show: The Nature of Things

Role: Guest host

Here, Mr. Harper will showcase the government's environmental policy. The PM will feature his support of the oil sands, our government's distaste for progressive international agreements, and his disinterest in making environmental policy a priority. Who needs Suzuki when you have Stephen?

Stephen (in front of melting iceberg): "...and that is why the economy is more important than our children's future. That's the Nature of Things for this week."

If you think those appearances are good, I have so many more in the works. A spot on Canada's Worst Handyman set to feature gazebo building. An appearance on Till Debt Do Us Part to balance the budget. A role on Dexter to justify the hard-on-crime agenda.

And as Mr. Harper's star will continue to rise -- the silver screen will be next. I've asked J.K. Rowing to write a script for his first feature: Stephen Harper and the Deathly Asbestos.

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