I was reading through the morning papers when the office rang: "Kate is in Labour. Can you make your way down to the Lindo Wing as soon as possible?" It's the call I had been waiting almost a month for. My baby bag was packed and had been cluttering up the hall since the start of July. It was crammed with everything I could possibly need for an open ended job. I had been in labour for three days with my son so I was prepared for a long wait...
To address when I commented -- with deliberate irony -- how "brilliant a royal Kate is" [for having a boy], perhaps I should share the historical context that some appear to have missed, where many a royal wife suffered at the hands of her husband for not producing a male heir.
This was the week that the country finally went completely insane. I mean, babblingly, frothingly, totally berserk. This was the week of The Baby. For what seems like a lifetime, the press have been trying to whip up a frenzy about the perfectly ordinary occasion of a woman giving birth.
In this age of 24-7 paparazzi shots, most high profile new mothers hide out until they get their figures back into photo ready mode. But Middleton didn't do that, instead showing what a real mother's body looks like immediately after birth.
Royal Prince babies and Weiners! It has been one heck of a week. Who knew things would be so eventful. I don't understand Anthony Weiner though... how can you just keep messin' up like that?
Maybe it's marriage, maybe it's fatherhood, but it seems that Prince William's long-standing loathing for the media is beginning to mellow. When he came out of St Mary's Hospital, Paddington, with Kate and the new baby, William was positively oozing charm to the baying press mob.
Harry's role in this young family's life is an important and unique aspect of the bond that has developed between William and Harry. This, in turn, can also inform our understanding of sibling relationships in general.
How did we get to this ridiculous place, where losing the baby weight is a competitive sport followed by millions?
You may feel your children have nothing in common with the newborn Prince, but they share something with every other child on this planet.
It's not that I am not happy for Will and Kate -- I suppose that I am, as I would be for any couple giving birth to a healthy baby. However, I simply couldn't watch all the media coverage, as it brought up all the pain, time and energy I spent in pursuit of my own baby bump, birth and baby.
Post-partum hair loss and noticeable shedding is more likely than not something that new mothers will have to contend with. But why is this?
The gift I want to give the new born prince is one of equality with the common people. I want them to be free to choose their own religion, marry whom they will and choose their own career without causing an abdication crisis. That they have no duties to defend an established status quo but are at liberty to think for themselves...
Sadly, I haven't been able to speak to the Duchess of Cambridge personally about the polka dot dress or her fringe choice a few months ago, but I know for a fact the countless fashion commentators and royal correspondents haven't either. So I'd like to say enough's enough. It's creepy. Let's leave Diana in peace and let Kate get on with her life.
So there we have it; the conclusion of the greatest product launch campaign Britain has ever seen. No, Apple didn't bring out the iWatch while you weren't looking. I'm talking about the latest release from modish mass market lifestyle brand Clarence House.
But seriously ya'll, I truly believe that if Jesus came back today, he would probably be holding his face in his hands in utter disbelief. In fact, I'd even bet that he'd opt for a name change.
To help the royal family sort through the long list of potential "wannabe princesses," here is a cheat sheet of play-date-worthy tots and those to avoid on the playground.