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When it comes to marriage, emotional and sexual intimacy are two sides of the same coin. In successful marriages, we see a pretty decent balance. We see a couple who is going through life as best friends, and who just happen to think the other is pretty damn hot. Sex is a "use it or lose it" kind of thing.
I was afraid to tell my husband. I was equal parts afraid to be accused of cheating or learn he had, even though logic assured me otherwise. I thought of not saying anything. I envisioned stashing my pills in the inner pocket of my handbag, making excuses to avoid sex. While it sucks to have herpes, it's not a death sentence. If you ever have to deliver this kind of news to a partner, don't do what I did and treat it like the end of the world.
By the time this couple came to talk to me, they were in a pretty bad sexual rut. They had been married for 15 years and had two teenage kids. Both were masturbating almost daily, at about the same time in the evening without their partner knowing. To top it off, neither wanted the other to know what they were up to because they were too ashamed of their behavior.
If I could write a letter to men (not all men, but many men) on behalf of many women, it would go something like this: Dear Men, Women want sex to have a beginning, middle, and end. Here are some ideas for the not-middle-part of sex.
In my mind, the answer to our spontaneous sex woes is simple: a vasectomy. Such a minor thing to have in order for us to have a happy and healthy sex life. Or at least for me it is such a simple and minor thing. Problem is, it's been a year that my husband has been dodging the "you need to get a vasectomy" bullet. Why is birth control up to me and why do I have to be the nagging wife to get this done?
Has "I'm too tired" become the new "I've got a headache"? Today's average couple is always on the go and busy. It's not surprising then that being tired gets in the way of them having good sex on a regular basis. But we can only hold our partner at arm's length for so long before the relationship starts to suffer.
I believe it's the secrecy of your partner engaging in virtual sex that causes the majority of the difficulty -- if not devastation -- to a relationship. I appreciate that it's difficult to bring up that you want to dabble in cyber sex, but it's even more difficult to try and resolve an issue of mistrust.