Dear Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra, I hear that Asians aren't allowed to play in your famed ensemble. We get it. If I bought tickets to see The Harlem Globetrotters, I wouldn't want to see a bunch of red-haired, freckled-faced, white boys. Ain't nobody got time for that! If I go to Hooters, I don't wanna be served by a dude! I mean where would it end?

Gangnam Style is one catchy-ass tune, But unless you look like me, or live in South Korea, we Asians find white enthusiasm for this monster hit suspect.

Dear A-Cup Asian, As a man who doesn't have breasts, I should point out that I have zero expertise on this matter. But given how that has never stopped any man in the history of the world from weighing in on topics he knows nothing about, here goes!

If a real friend is the person who tells you when you have bad breath, then what I'm about to tell you will make me your best friend; whenever you eat sushi, you are embarrassing yourself. That's right, the abominations you commit to your California Roll bring shame upon your whole family. Are you one of those people who rub their chopsticks together? Do you proudly explain to your rube aunt from Kelowna that this is how you get rid of the splinters? Dude, look around you. This isn't Quest for Fire. You are not Survivorman Les Stroud, trying to get some kindling to smoke. You are in a sushi-ya on Broadway.

Yes, the whole Internet may be giggling over our cheesy group sex photos. Go ahead and laugh, but you'd be missing the bigger picture. The world needs more group sex.... This is a chance for Canada to do the right thing. I call upon the citizens of this great nation to grant these Chinese officials amnesty and safe harbor, and send a message to the rest of the world.