The dark fear of living with cancer is like living with death on your horizon. For a long time I let myself feel like that was a certainty. First, before chemotherapy I took a stance of come what may. Since then, I've taken a more active line in trying to move away, and pursue a better, longer life. The truth was that until the appointments of this month I still had no long term vision. I was constantly repeating in my subconscious that radiation therapy was coming, to not be irrational and look into the future,but to stick in this moment and deal with it.