This week in the Huffington Post, J.D. Halperin and Daniel Portoraro debated, "Is the modern woman too picky?"
Halperin advocates yes, and Portoraro no. Halperin blames movies, the Internet and the "wide range of other frauds, charlatans, and advertisers" for promoting unattainable standards of perfection. Love and relationships require "putting up with a lot of crap that never seems to get advertised on the first date." Conversely, Portoraro blames men for their unwillingness to recognize that women "don't owe men a thing," insisting that it's a woman's prerogative to "find a mate who is best suited to her needs." Portoraro also cautions that women are not picky enough, as they are routinely "won over by the same cocktail of artificial body language, positioning, compliments and of course, insults." Put simply, women still fall for the clichéd bad boy jerk.
A legitimate and true argument is offered by both of these single men.
I know plenty of women who -- thanks to movies like The Notebook and Dear John -- detrimentally idealize men and romance. Just because he didn't write you 365 letters a year, or jump off a 50-foot pier into the ocean after your purse, doesn't mean he's a worthless brute.
Same goes for men. As women continue to outpace you in school and challenge you in the workplace, you have to accept that norms are changing and you're going to be held to some pretty high standards. After coming home from an eight hour work day, she doesn't want to beg some adolescent man to shut off the Xbox. Grow up.
While wrestling with the issue myself, I put the question to some friends: Are women too picky?
"Yes," said a gainfully employed twenty-something girlfriend, bound for graduate school abroad and, by all standards, the pinnacle of success. "So many of my friends turn down a guy because he's wearing the wrong pair of shorts." Admittedly, cargo shorts could be construed as a deal-breaker, but... come on! Don't be so vapid as to cast off a perfectly good guy because he has a questionable -- or completely lacking -- taste in shorts! After all, who's to say he's a fan of that shapeless moomoo dress you're sporting this season?
Another male friend disagreed, insisting that "if you're constantly approached by skeezy guys just looking for a hookup, of course you're going to be standoffish."
In any case, both Halperin and Portoraro are right. But, what is most illuminating about the debate is not which sex is more difficult or wronged by the other, but the extent to which both men and women are disenchanted and downright fed-up with today's dating game.
Men think women are prickly and picky. Women think men are brutish and immature.
There is a very prevalent hostility between the sexes, constantly reinforced by today's no-strings-attached dating game. No one has to commit. No one is responsible. Everyone is out for himself or herself. Everyone is on the defensive. So many options and no need to choose. Immediate gratification coupled with complete lack of empathy.
There are few things more sadistic and viciously self-serving than today's dating game, perpetuated by none other than the game's disenchanted players.
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This paragraph not only sums up the dating scene, but its kinda reflective of modern civic life at every level I find. Change some of the words, and it could apply to employer/employee, taxpayer/MP, customer/service provider...and so on.
Clearly the (greater) availability of sexual gratification outside of relationships - including internet porn - as well as better outside options (e.g. the aforementioned Xbox or below-cited chick-centric reality tv shows) also plays a role, and much of this is technological rather than cultural.
What I don't think plays much of a role is "romantic movies" aimed at women, because these have always been widely available. 50 Shades of Grey notwithstanding, chick-flicks chick-lit and romance novels have been around for a long time (what is new is constantly available, private, free internet porn). Increasing selectivity by women might in part reflect the greater social acceptability of marrying and having children later, and might have to do with actual men falling further short of "idealized" man (due to xboxs and porn) but it is not because the view of "idealized" man has become less attainable.
I think the problem is that people are more self-centred than ever before (and society - especially American society - has embraced that selfishness as a kind of virtue), while also adopting an attitude that the opposite sex is somehow out to get us. How can dating be anything but miserable under those circumstances?
Instead of constantly talking about Mars and Venus and how different men and women are, I wish we'd focus more on what common ground we have and how we complement each other. Doesn't that sound like it'd make life easier - and wouldn't it make our differences easier to love?
Further more, don't read any "How To" articles, they only offer you another's point of view, find your own and take full responsibility. Don't blame, it's a sickening trait.
The tension arising from being a player in the game is from... you guessed it: playing the game. All the reasons you site are new and shiny... but not necessary. A few decades ago, those reasons weren't there, and I'm sure the problems were the same.
This apparent hostility, and lack of commitment and responsibility are all symptoms of plunking yourself in the middle of this artificial system with rules and expectations that people abuse and get really jaded to. That's the real problem, and it doesn't have to be this way.
At heart, most of us aren't jaded; we all want to feel something. The dating game is a fake situation preventing us from accomplishing that. All you can do is be as real as you can, and stop trying to impress anyone; when you stop being counterfeit, you might feel something deeper than "just a date," and the person sitting across from you might just feel the same. Win or lose, you've gotta put it all on the table.
That's how you get rid of the game and all the symptoms that come with it.
Here's something that might be of use (advice for men, but women might appreciate it):
http://www.attractioninstitute.org/dating-advice-for-real-men