"It takes a village to raise a child," a wise woman once said. A noble philosophy one can concede, but is it realistic?
Sure, in some instances extended family is the glue that holds everything together, from child care to support to finances and more. There's nothing like having grandma and grandpa step in and give mom and dad a well-needed break.
But what about discipline? Does the "village" paradigm still hold when it comes to this touchy subject?
How we choose to discipline our children -- or not -- is one of the few polarizing topics that divides parents like no other. Discipline, which could mean anything from a "time out" to, in some cases, corporal punishment, is an extremely personal aspect of parenting. It's one of those topics that has been formed in our psyche from the time we ourselves were children. From those of us who may have received a "spank" here and there to others who were the victims of full-on physical abuse to still others who were spared the rod (and apparently became spoiled in the process), it remains a touchy subject in more ways than one.
When children enter the picture, couples are forced to discuss how the little ones will be disciplined. Often a point of contention, it's not unusual for disagreements to ensue. After all, if one party believes that spanking is acceptable and the other party disagrees, what to do when the child misbehaves becomes a source of struggle. To spank or not to spank -- that is the question, and most people fall squarely on one side of the fence or the other. The ensuing discussions and potential disagreements are considerably magnified when taken to the public forum.
It's one thing trying to sort out the best course of action when it comes to correcting your child and teaching them right from wrong. But how do you feel about other people disciplining your child?
We've all been in situations where there's been a public display of bad behaviour by a little one. Whether it's in your local grocery store or supermarket, the park or the movie theatre, it's never pleasant. Seeing a child in the throes of a full-on meltdown is only less stressful than watching a parent who doesn't do anything to quell the situation. It's annoying in the least and agonizing at best for those who sit by and do nothing.
But what can be done? Is it alright to discipline other people's children? Spanking notwithstanding, is it ever OK to jump in and take the bull by the horns? Whether or not you agree or disagree with spanking or otherwise, the overarching issue of discipline is one that becomes acutely in focus during public displays of bad behaviour.
We've all been in situations where there's an uncomfortable silence that counters the screaming of an unhappy child at the store/park/playground/[insert locale here]. It's uncomfortable not only because of the child's screaming, but because many of us don't know what to do. We're often stultified against our better judgement that tells us that the offending child just needs a good talking to -- or worse. What stops us in our tracks? Is it our fear of repercussions from the child's parents or other strangers? Is it the fear that perhaps we're wrong in our desire to stop the child and perhaps we should just let nature take it's course? Or is it the fact that we are ourselves unsure of what is the correct course of discipline for this or any child that steps out of the boundaries of acceptable behaviour?
The issue of boundaries when it comes to other people's children is one that, in our society, is sacred. We're taught to not cross that line, and when in doubt don't. We err on the side of caution just to be on the safe side. Often against our better judgement.
Yet, in many parts of the world, the "village" philosophy continues as it extends to children in public spaces. In these cultures, the support of the community is what in turn makes the same community strong, and if that includes public discipline of others kids, so be it. So what about us? Have we lost our sense of responsibility to others, or are we just being smart and staying out of the fray?
I'll put myself on record by saying that while I've never harshly "disciplined" another parent's child in public, I have spoken to kids who are out of line where I felt was appropriate. Case in point: at the local playground, there's been more than one occasion where a child was acting up, e.g. hitting another child in the sandbox, grabbing toys out of others hands, etc. This was in view of either the parent being there or close by and not doing anything. In each instance, I was thanked by the parent for stepping in. That being said, I'm not foolish enough to believe that similar future outcomes should be so rosy. We're all touchy about our children and our "mama bear" claws come out when we feel that they are either being threatened, or boundaries are being crossed.
In a similar situation where my child was acting out of turn, I would have no problem if a parent accordingly stepped in and said something to my child, as long as it was done in an appropriate manner (I would not tolerate spanking). It takes a village indeed.
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Otherwise, it's none of your business. You can't claim to know another child that isn't yours well enough to know what that child needs in terms of discipline (sometimes the parents can't figure it out either).
E.g. When my son was a baby, if I heard another person tell me that he needed a hat, gloves, blanket, etc. I thought I would kill them. Arggghhh!
If you're in a theatre, call an usher. If you're in public, walk away or move. That sends a strong message. There are many reasons why parents appear to be doing nothing. It may not be an absence of caring for others. It may be exaspiration, not knowing what to do, or depression.
Anyway, thanks for a good article.
I agree that if a child is rude or disrespectful to me or others, and the parents are around and doing nothing, that it's appropriate to say something. As I'll keep saying, it's infuriating when you see kids that are out of control and the parents turn a blind eye to it because they don't want to bother dealing with it - at the expense of others.
Faced with the same situation today, I would calmly inform the mother that she would be paying for anything damaged by her child.
Under most circumstances, it's not appropriate to discipline a child, but it's sometimes necessary to stop dangerous behavior. Like another commenter, my husband has stopped children from hurting animals at the park. He's fortunate in that he has a certain look which stops most children instantly without a word spoken.
The problem when you discipline other people's children is that you may not have the same values as the parents. Curse words, for example, are notoriously subjective - the most you can do is tell a child that a particular word isn't OK in your own house, or perhaps tell the child that you don't like being spoken to in that way. Again, you can't put the kid in a timeout.
The biggest problem I have ever had with other people "gently" discipling my kids is when I'm going out of my way to ignore the behavior. We are told time and again that ignoring unwanted behavior is often a good way to eliminate it, and I have always tried that with talking back and other unwanted verbal stuff. You wouldn't believe the well-meaning people who step in and say "Don't speak to your mother like that" and don't even stop to consider that I may not be addressing it for a specific reason. Grr..
I will always step in - children need to know that other people, even strangers, are affected by what they are doing and there's no better way for them to learn that than to have someone other than a parent do something.
I would phsycially restrain a kid if they were hurting themselves or others and deal with the repricussions, but I will not allow a child to damage people or property while a parent is negligent or simply unavailable.