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'Bachelor Canada: After The Final Rose' Recap

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Was this the longest week ever or what? Seriously, having to wait a full week after the "Bachelor Canada" finale to watch Whitney stumble her way out of Brad's cross-examination was a true test of human perseverance. But I survived. And maybe, just maybe, absence made the heart grow fonder, because really, could Bianka and Brad be any cuter?

That's right. You heard me. I said cuter. Because there's no denying, these two are batshit crazy over each other. Will they still be in six months? Who knows. But by then, who cares? By that time I'll be mocking whoever Sean Lowe (the next American Bachelor) ends up with, and Brad and Bianka will be as distant a memory as Rob Ford.

So the evening kicks off with Tyler Harcott entering the room like the Queen ready to receive his people. Once Brad takes the stage and announces how challenging it is not to pull a Tom Cruise and 'jump the couch,' we can tell he is just dying to get to the good part and see Bianka. But first, the good part for us: Whitney.

Oh dear. Tyler sets the stage by reminding us that "never did a relationship burn so bright and fizzle so quickly" -- and with that, Whitney emerges, single-handedly cutting poor cobalt blue's lifespan as an on-trend colour short.

This is the part of the show where the "villainess" of the season reveals that she's human and wipes carefully falling tears from her cheeks, describing how her life has changed forever as a result of the show and we'll never know what it's like. We've seen it with Michelle Money, Courtney Robertson, Vienna Girardi -- there's one for every season (and sometimes two if we're lucky!). This is also the part where the audience starts to develop pangs of guilt for hating a complete stranger and the social media networks light up with irrational comments like "Maybe she's not so bad" or "We probably misunderstood the poor thing."

Said villainess calls out the ... ahem ahem ... "big, huge tough guys hiding behind their computers" judging from afar, and with a slight shudder, I think to myself, hey wait a sec -- I take offense to that! I'm not huge! And to be honest, I don't think I ever even focused on Whitney's eyebrows. I was way more concerned with her moustache and boobs.

The thing is, in order for me to take part in that sudden turn of events and feel the pain of the girl in the hot seat, she needs to be able to string sentences together and make at least one articulate statement at some point in the night. The only time we got any sort of definitive remark from Whitney all night (which garnered an audible gasp from the audience) was when she admitted that she started to lose feelings for Brad five whole weeks before the finale was shot, yet decided to stay until the end and feed him as many lines as she could about how they were meant to be. Tyler even went so far as to ask her why she wasn't able to speak, which she of course, couldn't respond to.

Just in case we weren't flabbergasted all over again, we get to watch the whole hot mess of a breakup all over again, with poor Brad trying to make sense of what's happening and Whitney locking herself in a closet. Seriously, could one of them not have thrown in an "It's not you, it's me" for good measure?

And then Brad arrives on stage. Ever the gentleman, he tries to give Whitney the opportunity to explain herself and how she couldn't have been acting when she admitted to losing feelings for him halfway through. He might as well have walked out with a shovel to help her with the hole she was digging for herself, and could probably have gotten more closure from the shovel than Whitney anyway.

I can only assume that the people in the audience who are crying at this point have to be related to Whitney. Either that or they're talent scouts for the next "Fubar" movie and can't believe their luck in finding their female lead.

Tyler reels it all in with an awkwardly placed "Can we be friends?" which Brad and Whitney basically ignore and Whitney is mercifully allowed to leave the stage.

Now the fun part. For the rest of the show, I really just sat back and enjoyed it as a viewer and fan. It was hard not to get caught up in Brad's unbridled joy and excitement. Between his funny take on kissing on camera for the first time, his charm and ability to fully express his emotions in a sincere and articulate way, the montage about his hair, and his answering of the rapid-fire questions (with the exception of his admission that he wears jammies and his Sly Stallone impression which sounded more like a stoned, 93-year-old Italian man), he basically had me at hello. When he told Tyler he wanted to have as many kids as Bianka would allow, you could hear a collective thud as every uterus in the audience dropped to the floor.

And finally, Bianka is called out onstage and Brad whips around trying to find her like a puppy chasing his tail. They're both crying by the time they get to the couch (fine, so am I) and Brad pretty much sums up the excitement of the moment by announcing that he's been waiting five months for her to grab his thigh on national TV and thanks to their long-distance plan, they've managed to keep things sexy. I'm sure the vibrate setting on Bianka's phone is just as happy to have the two of them finally together as they are.

As they take us inside the slow progression of their relationship, we get some of the inside scoop that was never shown on TV. For example, I find it most intriguing that there were stylists on the show. Stylists? If there are stylists on this show, how do you explain half the outfits these girls wore (or all if you're talking about Whitney)? We also learned that Brad respected Bianka for not giving the milk for free when they had the fantasy suite date card in their hot little hands -- clearly it worked, because eventually he bought the cow!

Finally, to cap the evening off (right before the Canadian Girls tribute which I can only assume was a time filler/promise that had to be kept to Dean Brody's manager), Tyler makes the big announcement -- that Brad and Bianka are going to get married! Um ... thanks? Sorta thought that's what happens when people get engaged ... I mean, it's been a while since I've been engaged. Maybe things are different these days.

So that's that. Personally, I'm ready to move on to the next season, but I have to say, kudos to the team behind "The Bachelor Canada." You ended up finding us a pretty good guy, and you did the best you could with the gals. Now let's leave Brad to dive into the deep V he's been waiting for all along, shall we?

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