In a HuffPost article that went mega-viral, television writer Tracy McMillan detailed the reasons she believes single women aren't yet married.
In "Why You're Not Married," McMillan insists that single women are not married (holy matrimony being the ultimate brass ring of womanhood, apparently) because we fall into one or all of the following categories:
1) You're a Bitch
2) You're Shallow
3) You're a "Slut"
4) You're a Liar
5) You're Selfish
6) You're Not Good Enough
McMillan fancies herself a bit of an expert, in that she has been married three times and brags that she was "born knowing how to get married." It is worth pointing out that McMillan has been divorced just as many times. So while she is certainly an expert in the field of getting hitched, McMillan is not very good at maintaining such a blissful state. Which is sort of the point, I think.
Having never been married, I humbly suggest that you should all pay attention to me instead of McMillan; I haven't married the wrong guy even one time.
McMillan's article stems from a larger problem; the assumption in the media and popular culture that single women are doing something wrong.
I would argue that we are actually doing everything right.
Here are the six real reasons why you, dear female reader, are not married (assuming you even want to be):
1) You're Patient
They say that good things come to those who wait. You're extremely wary about rushing down the aisle to the quickening rhythm of your biological clock. If you have to wait years for the right guy to come along, you will. Hell, you've waited this long.
2) You're Confident
We've all seen it, and it is sad. Women with low self-worth tend to latch onto inappropriate men. They're reluctant to get out of mediocre or even bad relationships because they're worried that they'll never find anyone else who'll love them. You, single lady, are independent, self-sufficient and don't require male validation in order to function day-to-day. You've long since realized that you're more than enough on your own.
3) You're Beautiful
In Mark Gimein's "The Eligible-Bachelor Paradox," he suggests that beautiful women -- confident that they have game -- hold out for something great for a longer period of time because they know they can. It is the less attractive females -- those with fewer chips with which to bet, as he puts it -- who "bid decisively," aggressively latching onto whoever will take them. (No offense, married ladies! I'm sure most of you wed for true love instead of out of quiet desperation.)
4) You 're Successful
Some men are intimidated by successful women, but the right guy will be in awe of all of your accomplishments. Don't downplay all that you've built for yourself. Don't mute or muffle all that you are.
5) You Won't Accept Anything Less Than You Deserve
You've ended relationships that potentially could have led to marriage because he did not treat you with the attentiveness, tenderness and/or respect that you justly deserve. Everyone is better off alone than in a relationship like that.
6) You Know What You Want
McMillan suggests that single women are too picky -- find a man of character and lock him down! Character is key, but there are so many other factors necessary in a successful partnership. Connection. Friendship. Compatibility. Chemistry. McMillan dismisses the need for sexual attraction as shallow, but it's clearly essential.
Sloane Crosley put it best, "Husbands are like tattoos -- you should wait until you come across something you want on your body for the rest of your life..."
The world should stand back admire single women instead of perpetually trying to fix us or fix us up. We're smart enough to know that Prince Charming is the stuff of silly fairytales, but we're definitely going to hold out for a hero.
A version of this article originally appeared in Sun Media newspapers.
Follow Sofi Papamarko on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@sexytypewriter