At the worst points during my postpartum depression (PPD) I thought about killing myself every single day. I planned my funeral in detail. Strangely, going back to work is a huge part of what pulled me through. Somehow, I could hold it together extremely well in front of my colleagues.

Three months ago we welcomed a baby boy into this world. Our second child. I feel that as a blogger I'm obligated to tap into these days of infancy, that I should be mommy-blogging to the extreme, documenting the experience for all to share. Where is this pressure coming from?

We had always imagined a family with two children... until the baby blues hit. And then postpartum. I'm sad my daughter won't have a sibling, but when it comes to having a second child, we've decided to let that ship sail. I know my capabilities, and I would rather be a great mom to Maddie than a stressed-out and exhausted mom to two.

I don't know where it came from, I don't know why, but from one moment to the next I was mourning my unborn babies. My heart felt the painful cramp of loss like it was freshly earned. I felt a wash of trauma sweep over me and I gasped to catch my breath. Great. Right here on vacation in Florida. In Target.

Researchers found that 71 per cent of mothers in their sample were not doing what they really wanted to do postpartum, whether it was staying home or going back to work. This is saddening to me because most postpartum women are not happy with their circumstances when it is supposed to be a time of joy.

I'm OK! HAPPY! I'm higher than god. In fact, I am god. A human came out of my body. How would I ever feel bad? The problems began a month or so into being a mom. It wasn't anything specific -- it never is -- but I was starting to get that antsy feeling that I was doing this whole thing badly.

You may very well be aware of your postpartum depression and feel guilty about it, but you can't see the way to get out. And the deeper you get into it, the harder it gets to maintain the happy face. And if you're similar to me, you end up doing harmful things to change the way you feel.