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How I Lost 7.2 Pounds in a Week

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Last week I mentioned how I had started a diet called Lindora. After the first week I lost 7.2 pounds. I will now open it up for questions.

Q: Shut Up!

I know!

Q: I'm sure you're going to tell us all the details of how the diet works but I don't like to actually read words. I just want to skim for the link that takes me to the site where I can buy the magic pills.

Yes, I am happy to supply a link that sends you right back to here.

Q: I notice you didn't post a picture like you always do with yourself on a scale that proves your current weight. That must mean you're lying and that NASA faked the moon landing.

The truth is, The Fat Diaries has coordinated going on the Lindora diet with a bit of minor toe surgery that will keep me off my feet through mid-August. While I'm recuperating I'm taking advantage by going on this quick weight-loss plan. Modesty prevents me from showing you my gross foot but I can assure you that higher-ups at HuffPost HQ can attest to my weight loss.

Q: How can I be sure those magic pills will work for me?

As I said in my opening remarks, I've lost the weight using the Lindora plan and virtually no gimmicks. There are no magic pills. Furthermore, I know of three other people who are on the same plan who are all achieving spectacular results, two women and a man. Therefore, to answer your question, if you are compliant with this plan you too will lose A LOT of weight -- quickly.

Q: So what's the secret? You have to use their packaged foods that are loaded with laxatives? Or -- I know! -- you have to use their packaged "food" that just so happens to include the same ingredients of the magic pill. Check aaaaaand mate!

Here are the facts: You may use store-bought food or Lindora's food. There is no magic to this. I am eating very small portions of protein for every meal and twice daily supplementing it with lettuce, a vegetable, a small amount of dressing, and a low-glycemic fruit. I am drinking 80 ounces of water and also taking potassium and fibre supplements. Oh, and every day I get a shot.

Q: Aha! The shot! There it is! That's the secret! C'mon baby, give Daddy the magic formula. Where's the link? Where can I buy a pallet of this stuff? Is it on sale on Amazon? You know what? SCREW Amazon! I'll buy it in bulk on eBay. I'll drive down to Costco RIGHT NOW if you just tell me what's in the shot. I'll buy enough for you and your whole family and a generation of families to fill a swimming pool with! I just wanna wanna wanna wanna --

So, the kind nurses at Lindora give each person a shot of Vitamin B-12 everyday along with loads of encouragement and answers to your questions. That's it. B-12. Small portions of protein with every meal and snacks. Keep your carbs around 50 grams a day. Drink your water. One day a week is protein-only, one serving every two hours. Comply with the plan. That's it.

You can even do this online.

Next week I'll talk about what it's like to be on the plan and answer the question everybody keeps asking me: Are you hungry?