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New Monsanto Banana Promises Rapid Weight Loss and Whiter Teeth

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Genetic modifier Monsanto Inc. has launched its patented new 2013 model Banana Plus with bold new features aimed directly at the image conscious consumer.

"It flushes away bum and belly fat right there in your bowel movements," said Colin Snead, Monsanto's Vice President of Bananas, Coconuts and Mangoes from the corporation's new product-testing farm and theme park in Maui, Hawaii. "This model is our best banana yet! Just in time for bathing suit season!"

"LOSE UP TO 20 UUUUGLY POUNDS A WEEK!!" read Monsanto ads and bar code stickers on the peel of the new Banana Plus.

"But there's more! It whitens your teeth better than any toothpaste on the market and...we're not advertising this...but smear some Banana Plus on your skin and say goodbye to acne and other unsightly blemishes," said a smiling Snead, his extremely white teeth dazzling and a bit distracting as he hands a banana to an assistant to eat.

The bold introduction of the new fruit is part of Monsanto's aggressive new marketing plan to stop being defensive about special-interest consumer health complaints, mostly from scientists and people who have children, but rather to loudly sell the benefits of each food product that has had its genes cut and pasted.

"All anyone hears is how our corn causes colon cancer and our apples lead to oozy ear lumps and deafness...they never hear that our plums grow hair for balding men and women," said Vice President of Marketing and Profit, Gunter Gall, speaking to reporters by Skype from Monsanto's headquarters in the company-owned city of Creve Coeur, Missouri.

Monsanto plans to unfold the new, aggressive marketing tactics for its other products including seeds, DEET, transfats, herbicides, pesticides, STP Motor Oil Treatment, and its new Edible Food Products line.

"We're about to launch our new Bee Free Honey," boasted Gall. "With all these silly bees dying, Monsanto has done the ethically right thing and researched a solution. Honey that doesn't need bees!! And it improves your night vision!!! How cool is that?"

Steve Boyd
Reporterering for The Lapine