I consider myself well-versed in the sexual arena. I have had too much sex with too many partners under surreal circumstances in exotic places. But while I have been a very sexual creature, and a very active being, there is still so much I have left to explore. This became all too clear to me when I was blindsided by an email regarding tantra.
Tony had been a long time Facebook crush. He had gone to college near me, but then moved to the west coast where he remained beautiful, mysterious, soulful and full of life. We had always messaged back and forth for years, the occasional compliment, birthday wish, invitation to visit. In 2007, I jokingly told him to propose to me so I could move out west, and he in turn, explained that, "You might have to fight off some admirers, not gonna lie. I was proposed to the other day."
Then, in 2009, he informed me he had a girlfriend and could not see me because he would not be able to resist me if he did. At that point, I was confused. Based on pictures I had seen, activities I knew he was into such as yoga, sunrise watching, kale dinners, odd number fascination, I couldn't figure him out. This, of course, infuriated me and drew me further to him.
By 2011, the messages contained vague, illusive comments, such as "I can only take you seriously if you are about being captain of my team...can you dig it?" The last electronic conversation we had was about a year ago and was filled with more of the same ambiguous, hazy language. But in 2012, it was more forceful, more abrupt and still charming all at once.
"Unfortunately, I don't think you'd be able to fit into my life at the present moment... I'm in the process of creating a 'kingdom' and anything that doesn't add to that takes away and becomes a distraction, which I can't have. Really, I'm happy to know you Janna! You seem like an authentic soul, which is rare to find nowadays... Much Love to you!"
Now what do I do with that? Just as I was about to chalk it up to Tom being Tom, I got an email that actually found a way to shock me. Not only because it didn't come from him, but rather his blonde, sensual, model-looking female "friend" and because it actually contained detail, information, explanation. It still fell short of making real sense to me, however, it was a starting point that ironically could have brought me closer to this man I had wanted for five years, but instead left me confused, offended, and unfit.
Out of the blue, I opened up my email to this, no warning, no introduction, nothing:
"Hello Janna, My name is Tami, I'm a close 'friend' of T. Cox and member. He asked me to contact you and check in about some of your recent inquiries. Are you serious about joining the team or are you looking for a traditional 'relationship'? It's quite alright if you are, however, you should know that he is not looking to be involved in a relationship in the traditional sense. FYI: Everyone apart of the team is a practitioner of Tantra. The focus at this point in time is on the team and bringing it to a standing that is profitable for all parties involved. With that said, what would you bring to the table to improve our standing. T. mentioned that you spoke of potentially moving out to California. Is this true? What do you do? Feel free to leave your number so we can talk over the phone if you prefer."
I'm sorry, what? Who was this stunning woman emailing me about group sex on his behalf? Why were the words member, team, tantra, and profitable in this exchange? I immediately had a million questions in my head. I'm sure I also made some snap judgments based on very little knowledge. I assumed this was group sex, a large orgy. A group of men and women, looking up to Tom as the captain of their team, a team that had members. This team made money, somehow, from sex or tantra, as they call it and he thought it prudent to reach out to me via Tami, based on our years long exchanges, to invite me to move to California for tantric sex? Surely, I had missed something. I quickly moved on as I often do and didn't revisit it...until now.
I had tried yoga, Buddhism, Kabbalah. I had dabbled in meditation, astrology, acupuncture, cleansing. But I had always fallen short, still searching, still not whole. Trying so many new things, while still having so much sex, but changing nothing in that arena except maybe the guy or the country, led me to reevaluate. Maybe tantra wasn't crazy. Maybe it was actually what had been missing. I longed for meaning of my life, sense of the world, and connection with others. I knew I loved sex and I knew I was open to trying new things.
I reached out to Tom once again and was instantly replied to. A rarity. I was told that we would not "vibe." "I'm a different kind of man... Un-conventional and thats all I can say. I'm not into a one woman romance.. im not a player but I seek more than the physical and few women embody that - not saying that you don't... but i don't know. I just dont feel that connection. Feel me?"
Mainly for learning purposes, I replied that he didn't know me and that I was not conventional either, eager to learn from him after speaking with Tami and that he would be pleasantly surprised. He responded by asking my day and time of birth and my sign. No reason, no explanation. This was followed with asking if I had fishnets, what colour they were and if I could send photos.
The initial feelings of being uneasy and confused returned. Part of me was turned on, but a large part of me was turned off. Fishnets and photos didn't seem to vibe with connections to the divine, energy, unity, awakening, and unnecessary words when being experienced. But then again, this was all new to me.
Tom told me to Google some words and after much reading, this is what I came to know. One, it is imperative that all seekers have three Shakti's (energies): iccha (desire), jnana (knowledge), and kriya (action). Two, to activate the sexual energy during sexual union, we contract the muscles of our anus and thighs in a lock called the mulabhanda and kundalini starts to awaken at the first chakra, at the base of the spine. Shiva and Shakti together can direct this primal vigor energy up to the second chakra, Svadhistan, and the prostatic plexus. By contracting the abdomen during lovemaking, we activate the third chakra, Manipura, located at the center of the body around the navel area. It is at the fourth chakra, the Anahat, that sexual passion is converted into love, converting the primal sexual energy to light, inner radiance. The feelings caused by this practice, when done correctly, was described by one man as "taking an ecstasy pill, never a lack of sexual energy, a magnetic pull" and arousal just thinking about his mate.
While this still left me with many questions, the only prevalent one I cared to vocalize to Tom was, when can I try? Let me book a tickets, I'm ready!
By Janna Rachel
Follow up to this story coming soon on The Purple Fig
The Purple Fig is a community where women share personal and relatable stories; no ego, no shame, no judgement. We're about life, love and all of the stuff that makes us yearn, squirm, and giggle. These stories make up the authentic and intriguing journey of a woman.
Sign up for The Purple Fig newsletter coming out every Monday.
ALSO ON HUFFPOST:
