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Avoiding Dating Disasters

09/30/2013 07:15 EDT | Updated 11/30/2013 05:12 EST

Tim's Tips for the Interpersonal Relationship -- learned the hard way

1. If a woman wears camouflage on the first date, avoid a second.

2. Never get involved with a person who insists your relationship should be a secret. This will end badly.

3. Do not date a woman whose mother is named after food -- Brownie, Sugar, Honey, Cupcake -- or whose father is named Bubba, Butch, Dutch, or Killer.

4. Powder and paint makes them what they ain't. Padding and stuffing, don't add nothing.

5. There will come a moment, usually after the third time you sleep together, when a woman will be honest for roughly twelve hours. If she says she is trouble and you would be better off staying away -- believe her. If she says all her relationships end in bitterness and tears -- believe her. Believe whatever she says during this gap. It won't happen again.

6. Don't date a woman who keeps score. This includes women who flaunt photos of all the old beaus, or women who have stars stuck on the headboard of their bed and add another one the morning after your first night.

7. If a woman is 45 and has never been married, there is probably a reason.

8. Beware of women in wigs.

9. Stay clear of women who don't eat.

10. Women who tell you they are sterile are almost always lying. Ask for a doctor's note. (This one is especially true when you flip the pronoun.)

Red flags: These are not necessarily deal killers, but they should raise questions.

There are crystals under her bed.

When ordering coffee, she uses five or more adjectives.

She says, "I have a bad history with credit cards."

She sleeps in shoes, curlers, or a car.

She wails, "I'm soooo drunk when she is looking for an excuse to misbehave.

She is your roommate.

She has more prescriptions than you.

Other helpful tips for the young:

Sleeping with someone, one last time, after you've broken up, "for old time's sake," almost always leads to pregnancy.

Do not move in together because you need the money. (I've been burned on this one, many a time.)

Separated is not the same as divorced.

Beware of women who lie to their parents, bosses, or teachers. They will not stop at you.

You lose them the way you get them. That means if it took two slow years to start, it'll take two agonizingly slow years to end. If it started with lightning, it will end with lightning. Most importantly, if she cheated to be with you, she'll cheat on you. Write this one down: You will not change your mate.

Big one here. Let's italicize it. The one thing worse than losing your first true love is not losing your first true love.

All these pithy pieces of advice are just another way of saying the 11th Commandment that God gave Moses, but because it wasn't a round number, Moses didn't write it down. Thou shalt not sleep with anyone who has more problems than you have.

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