Tim's Tips for the Interpersonal Relationship -- learned the hard way
1. If a woman wears camouflage on the first date, avoid a second.
2. Never get involved with a person who insists your relationship should be a secret. This will end badly.
3. Do not date a woman whose mother is named after food -- Brownie, Sugar, Honey, Cupcake -- or whose father is named Bubba, Butch, Dutch, or Killer.
4. Powder and paint makes them what they ain't. Padding and stuffing, don't add nothing.
5. There will come a moment, usually after the third time you sleep together, when a woman will be honest for roughly twelve hours. If she says she is trouble and you would be better off staying away -- believe her. If she says all her relationships end in bitterness and tears -- believe her. Believe whatever she says during this gap. It won't happen again.
6. Don't date a woman who keeps score. This includes women who flaunt photos of all the old beaus, or women who have stars stuck on the headboard of their bed and add another one the morning after your first night.
7. If a woman is 45 and has never been married, there is probably a reason.
8. Beware of women in wigs.
9. Stay clear of women who don't eat.
10. Women who tell you they are sterile are almost always lying. Ask for a doctor's note. (This one is especially true when you flip the pronoun.)
Red flags: These are not necessarily deal killers, but they should raise questions.
There are crystals under her bed.
When ordering coffee, she uses five or more adjectives.
She says, "I have a bad history with credit cards."
She sleeps in shoes, curlers, or a car.
She wails, "I'm soooo drunk when she is looking for an excuse to misbehave.
She is your roommate.
She has more prescriptions than you.
Other helpful tips for the young:
Sleeping with someone, one last time, after you've broken up, "for old time's sake," almost always leads to pregnancy.
Do not move in together because you need the money. (I've been burned on this one, many a time.)
Separated is not the same as divorced.
Beware of women who lie to their parents, bosses, or teachers. They will not stop at you.
You lose them the way you get them. That means if it took two slow years to start, it'll take two agonizingly slow years to end. If it started with lightning, it will end with lightning. Most importantly, if she cheated to be with you, she'll cheat on you. Write this one down: You will not change your mate.
Big one here. Let's italicize it. The one thing worse than losing your first true love is not losing your first true love.
All these pithy pieces of advice are just another way of saying the 11th Commandment that God gave Moses, but because it wasn't a round number, Moses didn't write it down. Thou shalt not sleep with anyone who has more problems than you have.
ALSO ON HUFFPOST:
No one’s going to blame you for checking up on your date online. These days, it’s just standard due diligence, but that doesn’t mean you should present your research findings at dinner. Nothing screams "red flag" like bringing up your date’s high school yearbook photo, a blog post from ten years ago, or the concert they went to last Friday before they willingly shared any of that info. There are infinitely more subtle (and less creepy) ways to point out that you both like the same band.
What do a bad date and a bad movie villain have in common? They monologue incessantly, leaving the other person ample time to plot a daring escape. Here’s a good rule of thumb: if at any point you feel like you might’ve been talking too much, you were definitely talking too much. Shift the conversation back to your date. Better yet, share it with them in the first place! Otherwise, by the time you’ve caught them up on all three seasons of Game of Thrones, you‘ll be talking to an empty chair.
It’s understandable to be nervous, especially if your dating skills are rusty, but there’s a fine line between loosening up with a drink and falling out of your chair. You shouldn’t have to get drunk to feel comfortable around someone, or enjoy their company. And it’s kind of hard to show off your best self or make sparkling conversation when you’re slurring your words. Note: this rule applies double for dates to places without a liquor license. Leave the flask at home.
This one should be obvious, but it’s important to give the other person your undivided attention. This means not constantly pulling out your phone to send some texts or check your Twitter feed. If you absolutely have to take an important call, excuse yourself from the table. Otherwise, no date wants to feel like they’re competing with your smartphone for your attention. And while we’re at it, there’s no need to Instagram your dinner either.
It’s doubtful that anyone out there is heading to a date with an updated resume and three letters of recommendations, though weirder things have happened. But if you really want to get to know someone, it’s important to remember to let the conversation flow naturally and not just move down a checklist. Grilling your date on their strengths and weaknesses is only going to put them on the spot, and make them question whether they want to pursue this opportunity (i.e. YOU) further.