If I could write a letter to men (not all men, but many men) on behalf of many women, it would go something like this:
Dear Men,
Women want sex to have a beginning, middle, and end.
In chick-language, sex is a journey, not a goal-oriented destination. In guy language, sex always seems to focus on the middle part: she (hopefully) has an orgasm, then he has an orgasm and then voila, you are done.
Don't misunderstand, women love the middle part just as much as you. However, there is so much more to sex than having an orgasm. Gasp, yes it is true.
Here are some ideas for the not-middle-part of sex.
Women do not have an on-off sex switch
Women cannot switch our brains off of the thousands things we multi-task during the day and switch on to sex. It can take us at least twice as long to get outside of our brains and into our bodies.
Please do not expect a little snuggling and pawing at nite (BTW grabbing her boob to initiate sex is not sexy...just saying) will make us run to the bedroom in anticipation. Please see below for further suggestions.
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Talk About Sex
As time passes in a relationship, it’s easy to get into a rut and just go through the motions, rather than express what you really want (and need) in bed. Sex therapist <a href="http://www.hwhpr.com/williamslucenablog/wordpress/?page_id=2">Williams Lucena</a>, FMD, says it’s time to break this cycle with some frank talk. “Ask each other, ‘What do I need in bed from you?’” he suggests. “Get back to the communication you used to have.”
Eat Healthy
This doesn’t sound like a sex tip, but treating your body right with good nutrition helps the whole body, including your libido, says <a href="http://www.turnonyourinnerlight.com/page10.html">Debbie Mandel</a>, a stress management expert and author of Addicted to Stress. “Eat healthy foods to reduce cholesterol and keep your cardiovascular system humming,” she adds. “This will ensure that circulation is at peak performance for the ‘southern hemisphere.’”
Pick Up Some Chores
Want to put your partner in the mood for better sex? “Help around the house,” says Mandel. “The best foreplay happens outside the bedroom. By helping with chores and errands, you make them feel valued.”
Exercise
Few things will get you ready to satisfy women quite like getting in regular exercise each day, says Matthew N. Simmons, MD, PhD, of the <a href="http://my.clevelandclinic.org/urology/default.aspx">Glickman Urological and Kidney Institute in Cleveland</a>. “Even as little as 15 minutes of exercise daily will improve self-esteem, self-image, and libido,” he says. “Exercise makes the physical aspects of sex more enjoyable. Furthermore, making exercise a habit promotes cardiovascular health, which is necessary for normal <a href="http://www.everydayhealth.com/mens-health/erectile-dysfunction.aspx">erectile function</a>.”
But Don't Over Do It
But don’t overdo it. Too much exercise can have the opposite effect, says Pete McCall, MS, an exercise physiologist with the <a href="http://www.acefitness.org/">American Council on Exercise</a>. “Being in an overtraining state produces general feelings of fatigue and low energy and can disrupt sleep patterns and change mood,” he says. “This is hardly a good combination for wooing a romantic partner.”
In Fact, Work Out Together
If exercise is good, then exercising with your lover is an even better sex tip, says Mandel. “Working out together ensures that both libidos and endorphins will be up,” she says. “Since you’re both already sweating, take it to the next level. Stretching together is also a good idea.”
Abstain A Bit
Abstinence as a sex tip? Believe it or not, it’s a surefire way to improve sex and make your next encounter with your lover even more exciting. “Practice abstinence for a couple of days, a weekend, or a week,” says Mandel. “Abstinence does make the heart grow fonder and makes you lust after forbidden fruit.”
Plan For Sex
It may not sound that romantic, but Dr. Simmons says it’s a great way to improve your sex life and satisfy women. Construct a plan for having sex, he suggests: “Setting aside time or arranging opportunities for sex is very important, especially for busy couples or those with children. Don’t let the frequency of sex dwindle due to fatigue or the inability to find the ‘right time.’”
Send Your Partner A Text
Make use of technology. Want to keep her in the mood for sex later that night while you’re stuck at the office? Use your cell phone or e-mail. “Send her sexy messages throughout the day,” advises Mandel.
Compliment Her
Want a foolproof way to drive her wild and ensure better sex? “Find a particular feature, and tell her that she is the best in this class,” says Mandel.
Focus On Relaxation
Men like to get excited for better sex, but women are more likely to get in the mood through relaxation. “Wash her hair in the shower or massage her scalp to relax her,” says Debbie Mandel, a stress management expert and author of Addicted to Stress. “A woman needs to be relaxed before she is ready to receive.”
Foreplay
Regardless of how you get revved up for better sex, Matthew N. Simmons, MD, PhD, of the Glickman Urological and Kidney Institute in Cleveland, suggests not skimping on the foreplay — no matter how long you have been together as a couple. “Foreplay contributes greatly to stronger orgasms and improved sex,” he says. “Gearing up your autonomic nervous system will increase sensitivity, excitement, and strength of orgasm. Your patience and attentiveness will pay dividends.”
Think Like Your Partner
Natalie Bencivenga, co-founder, editor, and writer of <a href="http://twodaymag.com/">twodaymag.com</a>, advises thinking like a woman. “To think like a woman in bed, you don’t have to be one,” she says. “Give attention to some of her most neglected areas, like her neck, her feet, her inner thighs. Tease her mercilessly. Make her want it. You will be surprised what a build-up will bring!”
Let Them Take The Lead
Men so often take the lead in bed. Sometimes, the key to better sex is letting her be in charge. “Don’t be afraid to let your mate lead,” says Joyce Morley, EdD, a licensed counsellor in Decatur, Ga. “Allow your mate to initiate sexual pleasure on occasions, as well as taking the top position.”
Don't Overlook Lubricant
According to Bencivenga, there’s no shame in using lubricant to satisfy women. “Many guys think that since women get wet, if we aren’t wet, then we aren’t into it,” she says. “That’s not true. Sometimes, whether it’s stress, certain times of the month, or fatigue, women can have a hard time getting physically aroused even when they are mentally in the game. Lubricant in the bedside drawer is your new best friend.”
Switch It Up
If you’re experiencing a case of the “same-old, same-old,” working on adding a little variety is the key to better sex, says Simmons. “Spice things up by planning and discussing variations on your usual sexual habits,” he explains. “Lingerie, toys, new positions, and other creative additions can enhance intimacy and orgasm.”
Change Locations
Another way to add variety and improve sex life, suggests Mandel, is to try some place new. “Do it in different places to experience a different energy,” she says. “Take it outdoors if you are overwhelmed with technology and want to get back your natural rhythm.”
Just Don't Have Sex, Make Love
Does it feel lately like it’s just sex? “Try making love,” advises Dr. Morley. “You make love with that special someone, but you have sex with anybody.”
Use Touch Even Without Sex
Even when you’re not having sex, you can still improve your sex life by using touch in an intimate, but not sexual, way. “Touching is important, but doesn't always mean sex,” says Morley. “It is important to be intimate with your mate by touching her with love and affection on a daily basis. Kiss daily, and don’t be afraid to allow her to reciprocate.”
Take Care Of Your Penis
“Take good care of your penis,” says Dr. Simmons. “Penile injury is usually sustained when your partner is on top or when the penis buckles from missed penetration. If things are getting out of hand, ask your partner to ease up. If you suspect a penile fracture due to a perceived ‘pop’ followed by bruising, see a urologist immediately.”
Get out of your sex routine
I am sure you have heard more times than you care to count how women need foreplay -- and lots of it. And you may be thinking that you do your best to please your partner. In fact, to your knowledge she always has a good time.
However while pleasing her, do you use the same routine over and over again? Do you only ever focus on the three body parts that you know work? If you answered yes, remember too much of any good thing becomes stale after a while. Erogenous zones are a-plenty on the female body. Use them.
Create a new groove
If you are stuck for what to do, let me offer a few always-works-like-a-charm suggestions.
(1) Talking. Yes, the dreaded talking before sex. Talking helps women disconnect from what is going on, so they can reconnect with you. And just because she is talking about her day, or the kids, or doing laundry, does not mean she is disinterested in having sex. Think of it as an unwinding time.
(2) Kissing. Kissing is immensely sexy and there is not enough of it. Period. Do not even get me started on how 5 to 10 minutes of kissing will have many women like putty in your hands.
(3) Touching. Every woman is different in how she likes to be touched. The best way to understand how your partner prefers to be touched is simply to try new things. If you are not sure how to start, give her a massage. Touching should help both of you relax. And no, it is not always you that has to do all the work; touching is definitely a two-way street.
I suggest when trying this out for the first time, avoid the three major body parts. Trust me, the sex will be hot and erotic.
(4) Playfulness. Destination sex always seems so intense and a bit sombre. Relaxing, laughing, having fun makes any situation, especially sex, that much better. Also, being playful will help if you are nervous bringing new ideas or things into the bedroom.
Make an effort to do something different each time you have sex
How? There are at least 101 positions for intercourse (OK, you need to wrap yourself like a pretzel for some, so maybe only 75 positions). Or did you know a woman likes to be touched softer or harder depending where she is in her menstrual cycle? Just these two suggestions alone can be a hundred ways to do something different with the same piece of equipment.
When you are finished, make sure the woman is finished as well
Women need to have that stay-connected-feeling that comes from cuddling. Men, please do not disconnect by rolling over, going to use the bathroom or whatever you do after the sex is done. Stay for awhile, even if it is two minutes.
If you do not like cuddling after sex, think of it as your penance for not having to sleep in the wet spot.
You might be asking yourself, is all of this effort worth it for better sex? I would say, yes, yes, oh, yes. Baby.
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For me great sex is all about letting go. ( as a male) When we're young and experimenting with our bodies ,mastrubation involves connecting to an image ( porn? fantasy?) and then getting off as quickly as we can before anyone catches us. We develop bad sexual habits ... too much focus on our pleasure , this can carry over into partner sex.
It's been my experience that a woman HAS to feel connected to you in some way , to be able to trust that you can handle all that she is capable of.
The key that kind of connection varies from woman to woman. A good start is to want to know her on a deeper level. Getting out of your head and being present can help with that. Letting go of the goal of orgasm , or the idea of "doing" something to her can go a long way toward feeling connected.
The bottom line is she needs to feel valued, protected , understood, and that you won't judge her on whatever takes place between you and her.
It takes time to build a connection ... the rewards can be life altering.
I'm also not convinced that men WANT to get off quickly. I actually believe men would like sex to last long as possible for the maximum enjoyment of both couples. But I agree with you that there needs to be a connection and that means (as per the article) communication between the couples as to what they want/need.
BringBackDesire suggested the idea that lovers need to communicate more directly their likes and dislikes, but how far do you go? A typical male question lol! In intimacy many are at their most vulnerable state, there is a natural tendency to fake enjoyment. Play along, go through the motions.
Time! I'm not thinking up excuses here. At one point, having children was kind of a big issue as far as sex life goes. But these days, mostly, you need two working adults to make ends meet. I'm not suggesting that stay at home moms are not working adults,. People are working into their retirement years now.
I'm not trying to create dark clouds, but in reality there are some significant obstacles,. Spontaneity seems to have gone out the window ...spontaneously.
I'm intrigued with the 75 different sex positions, but I probably don't want to know, my gymnastics days are long gone.
These are wonderful tips and reminders... for both partners! Women need to use their words and let their darling men know what tunes them in and turns them on.
Thanks for helping couples have a SENSATIONAL happy ending to their sexy time.
MUAH!
@AndeLyons
Wait, there are THREE major body parts?
As such the issue of bad sex isn't related to gender. We all want a fulfilling sex life, we just each have different definitions of what that is, most of which people seem hide from their partners. In my opinion this reveals the real issue. Our society is still so repressed and so judgmental in terms of gender roles and sex in general that people are afraid to be open with their partners. It's one bad stereotype following another.
In the end however, no one is more responsible for your orgasm than you. While sex is a partnership of two people looking for and working toward the same thing, both sides need to be willing to face their fears, communicate their needs, and move outside their comfort zones, if they really want to grow sexually.
The reality is that people do have control over their brains including thoughts, feelings and emotions. We make choices every day on how we chose to look at things, deal with things and yes, focus on things that may not be important at all in any given moment. I don't think men are that different from women in that regard, we are just also trained like pavlovian dogs to take sex when we think we can get it. Because unlike women, we can't just say "We're ready!" and have sex thrown at our feet (so to speak).
The problem is we've trained our brains to control us instead of the other way around. We just need to start making a point of tuning out things that aren't relevant or important. Or just focusing ONLY on what IS important. Hell, medidate and just take a second to breath. That can help too.
I'm serious. Men don't understand how sexy it is to have a guy ask you what your day was like, LISTEN for 10 minutes, and then do the dishes.
It's gorgeous.