*This post by Gabe Gilker originally appeared on Vice.
I love alcohol. Our society loves alcohol. It wouldn't be too far off to say that we pretty much thrive on it. It's a staple in most people's lives, whether it's a quick drink after work for happy hour, or a Saturday night bender where you know you're going to wake up Sunday morning hating yourself. We can't seem to get enough of it. But what happens when you get tired of getting drunk by oral consumption? You branch out and find try the newest frontiers of how to get messed up, of course!
The other day I was perusing my Facebook feed when an article about "smoking alcohol" grabbed my attention. I read on, and within the first few lines I said "F*** yeah, I'm so doing this." The article went on about all the hazards involved and even included a list of dangers that the inhalation of alcohol can cause, but I didn't care, because it claimed that huffing booze vapor does not give you a hangover. My dream had come true.
And let's face it, the worst part of drinking alcohol isn't the painful shame of over-indulging and making an ass out of yourself, or drinking yourself sick, it's the actual drinking part. It's 2013 and everyone knows that lifting a glass to your mouth and letting gravity push liquid into your stomach is for conventional people.
There are two ways to smoke alcohol. The first is to pour it over dry ice and inhale the fumes with a straw -- a new-wave freebase, if you ask me. If you don't have access to dry ice, you can also attach a bike pump to a cork and pressurize the hell out of your alcoholic beverage to smoke it back. It looks like a sink-toke, an alcoholic sink-toke.
Before we go any further, you probably should be aware that smoking alcohol is by and large a dumb idea for the following reasons:
On the bright side, here are a few of the so-called "positive effects" that come from smoking alcohol --according to me. There are no calories and no carbs, so if you're on a diet you can still get drunk and not worry about putting on pounds. People who do it for this reason have been called "drunkorexic" by doctors and haters alike. Also I think I'd like to say it again, no hangovers. But that's really about it. Otherwise this activity might kill you.
I found a pretty helpful thread on a drug forum I frequent often to get more information from people who have done this before, and found out there are a few machines you can buy which vaporize the alcohol for you, but I did not want to wait for the shipping because I was super jazzed to hoover some booze fumes. So I found a set of D.I.Y. instructions from a very nice drug forum poster, located in Russia, and set to work on acquiring the parts needed to make my own pressurizer.
I started putting together all the pieces with a friend, and after a few trials, perfected the art of making my own alcohol vaporizer. Our cork wasn't thick enough, so we had to wrap it with some painter's tape to make sure it would be airtight. During the first trial run we didn't pump the bottle enough, so I pretty much just inhaled the taste of gin and was dissatisfied while everyone looked at me with wide-eyed curiosity. It didn't do anything.
Once we cut the cork smaller the needle of the bike pump stuck out of the bottom and the magic started happening. After our first really successful vaporize session the cork came flying out from the pressure of the bottle and it filled up with a fog-like substance. We had a round of high fives and cheered "F*** YEAH SCIENCE!" as we all sucked the vapor out.
We kept pumping and after two or three hits I started feeling "tipsy," which basically means my brain started to feel fuzzy while a dumb smile slowly stretched across my face. It felt more like smoking weed because the drunkenness felt very mellow and smooth. Every time we'd pump up another bottle we would get stoked and super hyper, anticipating to get shitfaced, but that was toned down from all the energy we were expending on the bike pump. All of us broke a sweat from using it to pressurize the bottle. It's a workout to get wasted like this.
The first hour or so was pretty fun. We were all smiles and giggles, but that was probably more from the novelty of the whole situation than the alcoholic vapor to be honest. We all took turns pumping, inhaling, smoking cigarettes, and laughing. It was a pretty good time in the beginning. Over the night we tried gin, vodka, whiskey, and beer. Then we mixed all of the hard liquor together and made a smorgasbord of booze to vape into our bodies.
In the end, all I felt was really mellow and extremely nauseous. I ate some stale french fries and that kept the nausea at bay for a bit but it was a constant nagging in my stomach. It was really annoying. I kept feeling like I drank too much and wanted to puke, but my mind was feeling like I had smoked weed and was chilling out. There was a disconnect between my body and my mind that made me feel super awkward. All of a sudden I didn't know how to properly engage in social conversation, which is messed up because I'm usually the loudest person in a room. We kept on smoking booze because we didn't feel drunk, and thought that maybe if we smoked more that it would make it all better. But we were so very wrong.
After a while, it just felt like we were smoking booze to fulfill some kind of imaginary obligation we had all invented in our own minds. It was like crack. There was so much hype and expectation built up from all the articles and YouTube videos I read and saw, that the act of actually vaporizing booze shattered my expectations. I felt like a real big piece of shit afterwards. The only real good thing to come out of this was, after one big toke of gin, my right ear, which I somehow messed up on St. Patricks Day, finally un-popped. I could hear again from that side of my head. That was a bit confusing given I had been half deaf for nearly four months -- so maybe smoking booze is a cure for plugged ears?
As the night wore on everyone got disinterested with smoking alcohol and started a late night jam session, while I sat on a chair wishing I was still deaf. Battling the nausea in my tummy was getting really old. I felt like I was dying. My roommate noticed something was off as I sat quietly, and she asked me if I was okay. I gave her an honest answer: "I feel like my lungs are bleeding."
This wasn't as hyberbolic of a comment as it may sound to you, as I just got over a lung infection two weeks previous to creating my own booze vaporizing machine (yes, not the best idea, I'll admit). I decided to carry on anyway because my lungs are already so messed up that I was positive a little more wear and tear wouldn't damage them any more than a usual night of drinking. But now I realize that was silly so, if you have shitty lungs, don't do this. In fact, even if you're the healthiest person in the world, don't do this. It's insanely dumb.
As the night came to a close, I tried in vain to fall asleep. I tossed and turned in my bed and couldn't get comfortable for the life of me. I started to get irritated and noticed every small movement and sound around me. I felt like I was coming down off speed or something even though I hadn't even gotten more than a slight buzz from the all the alcohol I smoked. Finally I was certain I was going to puke, so I ran down stairs and dry heaved over my toilet for about two minutes before realizing I had nothing in my stomach to puke up. As I came to terms with the fact that I was probably going to die from alcohol poisoning, I listened to the trains pass by outside my house. I made a vow to myself that if I survived the night I would never consume alcohol in any other way than God intended, which is orally.
So again, in case it's not already clear, I do not recommend smoking alcohol and I do not condone its consumption in any other way but orally. Don't be an idiot. It's not even that fun. It's all the worst parts of being drunk, with absolutely none of the fun, and an added dose of nauseous insomnia. Screw you, booze smoke. We're through.
More "fun" with substance abuse:
Samantha Goudie -- who also went by her Twitter alias, <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/03/samantha-lynn-goudie-drunk-girl-341-tweets-yolo_n_3859634.html?1378321164">"Vodka Samm"</a> -- was arrested at a University of Iowa football game in August 2013, after she allegedly tried to run onto the field. "Vodka Samm" blew a .341 BAC in jail, and later tweeted about it. Her outrageous tweets made her a viral sensation, but once she sobered up, she deleted her account.
When this middle school math teacher was arrested on a DUI charge, she allegedly offered the arresting officer oral sex and the opportunity to fondle her breasts. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/15/mary-maloney-teacher-oral-sex_n_2480053.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
His last name might sound like "car," but he was allegedly driving a motorized shopping car while drunk in a Florida Walmart. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/05/timothy-carr-drives-drunk-walmart_n_2618183.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
<a href="http://www.theweeklyvice.com/2012/12/thomasine-harjo-tells-police-she.html" target="_hplink">Harjo allegedly told cops</a> in December, 2012 that she couldn't be arrested for alleged DUI because she had a court date the following day for a previous DUI.
Bryan Wendler was arrested for his sixth DUI while wearing a shirt that read "Been Drinking? Free Breathalyzer Test: Blow Here." He blew a .19 on the police breathalyzer, more than twice the legal limit.
Jesse James Thomas, arrested March 28 for public drunkenness, Thomas was wearing a sombrero when he jumped on an officer's parked patrol car screaming his name, according to an account in the <em>Sacramento Bee</em>. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/30/jesse-james-thomas-sombrero-jumps-on-cop-car_n_1392754.html" target="_hplink">Read more. </a>
Jana Lawrence, 46, of Dacula, Ga., is accused of wreaking havoc at two restaurants Saturday, by groping, licking and flashing fellow patrons before being arrested.
Vanessa Robinson was charged with aggravated assult after she allegedly cut up her boyfriend after he tried leaving her apartment with the last beer -- a Colt 45 to be specific.
Ohio man <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/09/niles-gammons_n_2100591.html?1352482434" target="_hplink">Niles Gammons</a> found himself in a bit of double trouble when -- thanks to daylight savings -- authorities busted him twice in one day, at the exact same time.
Laniewski, 41, was arrested for allegedly endangering her child, among other charges, when she ran in to a raging creek to "save" ducks during Hurricane Sandy's onslaught on Oct. 30, 2012. Police say that Laniewski left her 4-year-old unattended while she plunged into neck-high waters in Glen Rock, Pa. It took 8 firefighters to rescue the woman, who allegedly had a blood alcohol level more than twice the legal limit for driving.
Police say that Patricia Libby was under the influence when repeatedly crashed her car into another vehicle in the parking lot of a Marco Island, Fla. elementary school where her children are enrolled.
William Liddell is accused of <a href="http://www.marconews.com/news/2012/oct/17/reports-man-fought-with-officers-defecated-in/" target="_hplink">getting into a tussle</a> with cops after they tried to arrest him for a hit and run. During the altercation, a police report said Liddell defecated in his pants.
Ty Alsop was allegedly found passed out in a car with pants soaked in urine. He was taken to an Evansville, Ind. hospital to detoxify. Instead of staying put, he sneaked out past the staff. Witnesses saw him in the parking lot wearing a hospital gown that exposed his backside. Alsop asked police for a second chance, claiming "I'm not really a bad guy. I've just been a drunken a-----e tonight," according to the police report.
This 51-year-old Brit hijacked a ferry in September 2011, reportedly yelling to police officers that she was Jack Sparrow. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/20/alison-whelan-jack-sparrow-steals-ferry_n_1901200.html?1348169718" target="_hplink">Read the whole story here.</a>
Largo (Fla.) Police pulled over Kotelman allegedly for speeding and driving drunk on May 3. Cops checked the trunk and say they found a small monkey tucked inside. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/04/a-man-and-his-monkey-pull_0_n_1477674.html" target="_hplink">Read more.</a>
Coley Mitchell, a lab tech at Georgia Health Sciences University, was arrested for public drunkenness after being found in a locker room intoxicated with his pants down halfway his legs surrounded by two lab monkeys that had been let out of their cages.
Police in Illinois say that Olivia Ornelas blamed her DUI and crashed vehicle on her boyfriend's failure to take her, as he promised, to the new "Twilight" movie. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/21/illinois-twilight-fan-arrested_n_1105740.html" target="_hplink">Read more.</a>
An Australian man caught driving a motorized cooler box through a beachside resort town appeared in court charged with drunk driving, The Courier Mail reported Monday. Christopher Ian Petrie, 23, faces charges of driving under the influence and driving without a license after police caught him on the makeshift vehicle, which was powered by a 50cc engine.
Police in Phoenix, Ariz., have accused Randon Reid of the crime of flight -- and a crime against flight. Investigators say the 26-year-old suspect opened fire on an airplane parked at Deer Valley Airport, then fled from authorities who tried to pull him over. He has reportedly been charged with felony flight and driving under the influence.
It's always best to practice what you preach. Police in Florida say they arrested the former president of a local chapter of Mother's Against Drunk Driving for driving under the influence. Debra Oberlin has been charged with drunk driving for the Feb. 18 incident.
Andrei Bibbs, 54, of the 3000 block of Coopers Grove Court, was arrested Jan. 7 Illinois State Police and charged with driving while under the influence of alcohol. He <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/12/andrei-bibbs-blue-island-_n_1201547.html" target="_hplink">was clearly shocked by the change. </a>
Pope was arrested for DUI. He allegedly told police that he was a "covert agent" and that he had drank 100 beers.
In early August 2012, David Caruso was busted for allegedly deciding to grab a beer while driving through a sobriety checkpoint in Connecticut. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/01/david-caruso-sobriety-checkpoint_n_1726754.html" target="_hplink"> Read more.</a>
Phipps was arrested and charged with driving under the influence after he got into a car accident that he allegedly <a href="http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/weird/Man-Arrested-for-7th-DUI-Claims-Elephant-Caused-Accident-Cops---172153931.html" target="_hplink">blamed on an elephant.</a>
Sherri Wilkins, a drug and alcohol counselor, was arrested after allegedly fatally hitting pedestrian Philip Moreno with her car while driving under the influence. Police say Wilkins then drove over two miles with Moreno partially through her windshield. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/26/sherri-wilkins-philip-moreno-windshield-_n_2191482.html?utm_hp_ref=crime" target="_hplink">Read the whole story here.</a>
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