Tick tock, hubbies of the world.
48 hours remain before Christmas Day. When ye men finally take your hands out of your sweatpants and think, "Hmmm. Guess I should get out and do some shopping." Gee, ya think? And for whom could you be doing this last-minute shopping? Let us guess. Your mom? No, can't be her because we took care of that for you. (Act unsurprised when she opens the slippers.) How 'bout the kids? Nope, we did that too. Weeks ago. Before all the toys were gone, to ensure our sweet babies wouldn't be disappointed on Christmas morning. (You're welcome.) You have just one measly name on your shopping list: OURS.
Here are a dozen easy, inexpensive ideas to help.
1. Get her a really cool mug. I'm not kidding. It's a caffeine world. The missus needs a cup of joe to keep her from strangling you and your precious sucklings before 7:30 a.m. every day, so this ain't no mug; it's a hand-held escape pod from the motherfuckery that is her life. Get her a mug that's as beautiful as she is, from a local potter or a downtown boutique or a bookstore (like Chapters, where the mugs and candles and pillows are easier to find than the fucking books). Speaking of books...
2. You MUST MUST MUST buy her a book. And I'm not just saying that because I wrote one, I swear. Giving her a book lets her know you think she's smart. She's not all clothes and jewelry -- oh no, your bitch can read, yo! It also says you are smart. Any asshole can buy his woman earrings. It takes a real man to buy something that enriches the space between her ears. Here's a suggestion:
MotherFumbler, written by...oh looky here...ME. Here's the link so you can order it from Amazon or Indigo, but unless those companies have enlisted the Concorde for deliveries, you're screwed. Go find it at your local bookstore. It's all over Atlantic Canada and in major cities across the country: Vancouver, Calgary, Toronto, Montreal, and Vagina, Sasnatchewan.
3. Give her a gift certificate to a nice restaurant. If you're thinking Swiss Chalet right now, you should be exiled to the Alps. I'm talking about somewhere you wouldn't take the kids because, frankly, kids are jackasses and this classy place rightfully hates them. Gift cards are usually cop-outs, I know, but this is a little different. See, guys, in case you missed this fact, we love to eat. When we say we love meat, we mean the stuff that comes from a cow or a pig or a lobster, not your pants. So a fantastic meal that we don't have to cook, sans children shouting "This tastes like poop from a toilet!", is a gift from the gods.
4. No thigh masters. Please. Unless your lady is a fitness freak already, do not buy her exercise clothes or a gym membership. Look, we ladies hate our bodies. It's what we do. We don't need overpriced Lululemon crap to remind us there's room for improvement. So, especially at this time of year, just let us know you're OK with us the way we are. (Please see tip #3: feed us.) When 2014 arrives, we'll be dragging our fast asses to the gym our own terms, not yours, zippy.
5. For the love of god NO VACUUMS. Also, no cleaning supplies, aprons, or feather dusters. If you give us a mop or a broom -- first of all, good luck wrapping that thing. Second of all, it's going straight into your rectum. It's almost 2014; the housekeeping is a shared task. So unless you want a box of dishwasher pellets in your stocking, don't give it to her either. HOWEVER! I highly recommend the gift of housekeeping services. But be careful. Since cleaning is not "her job," this is really a gift for both of you. So you're gonna need several other gifts from this list to compensate.
6. Kitchen gadgets are good. (But some restrictions apply.) Only give her a kitchen gadget -- you know, a fancy mixer, or a can opener that turns into a back scratching vibrator -- if it makes her life easier. Or if it's cool as fuck -- like, invented in the last 10 minutes. Like onion goggles! To protect her eyes while slicing and dicing. If she cries while cutting onions and wearing these onion goggles, it's probably not the onions. It's this terrible, terrible gift you just gave her. Which brings me to a very important point: It's OK to give kitchen gadgets as long as it's not the ONLY thing you give her.
8. Bubble bath is underestimated. If the missus like bubble baths, get her the good stuff. No cheap shit, unless you relish stabby glares from across the living room. See, bubble bath is not just soap in a bottle. It's titillating tonic that says: I love your body and I want you to marinate like the delicious tenderloin you are. (Note: bubble bath is best accompanied by a gift certificate to the spa. Just sayin'.)
9. Diamonds are not her only best friend. Gold and diamonds are not the only materials worthy of touching your luvva's skin. In fact, some of those genuine (and genuinely pricey) jewels are downright HUGGLY. Fuck that gaudy shit, my frugal brutha. This ain't the set of Dynasty, eh b'y. Check out the work of jewelry-makers who use bronze, brass, pewter, even leather, to make one-of-a kind necklaces and bracelets and earrings.
10. Put some lip-gloss in her stocking. Ask the cosmetics queen at Shopper's Drug Mart to help you. You want the good stuff -- pale pink or coral. It's like pre-lube for your beef whistle. Not really. Just get it. You know you like watching her glide her finger across her lips, even if she is just juicing them up so cookies slide down more easily.
11. Make her a card. Yes, I'm serious. You don't have to be the love child of Shakespeare and Picasso to pull this off. It can be a piece of paper folded in half. Or buy a blank card -- you know, one of those with a picture on the front but nothing on the inside -- and personalize it. We don't really give a fuck. Just knowing you put an ounce of thought into it means a lot, instead of buying a store-bought verse that thousands of other wives are reading right this second too. My dad once gave Mom a store-bought card that said "You're just like a mother to me." Not only did he not put any thought into the card, he didn't even read it.
12. Make her laugh. If your card (see tip #12) is funny, you're home-free already. Otherwise, do what my husband does every Christmas: once he has my stocking filled with the things he's bought, he fills up the rest of the available space with things I already own, like underwear, socks, condoms, oranges from the fridge, and canned goods from the cupboard. It cracks me up every time. It's amazing how laughter can make us forget all about the fact that you put off your shopping till five friggin' minutes ago.
Happy last-minute shopping, fellas. YOU CAN DO IT. And by the way, you'll need an iPad mini to go with any or all of the above.
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