07/25/2013 08:04 EDT | Updated 07/26/2013 09:56 EDT

Heather Mallick's Royal Baby Column Is Truly Bizarre

Twitter/Heather Mallick/AP

Maybe it's Heather, maybe it's Maybelline.

Did that sentence not make any sense? Good. Fully suspend any attempt at reason and logic, because your brain is about to be Mallicked.

Toronto Star columnist Heather Mallick treated the world (or just Canada) to a salad of words on Royal names Wednesday, and it is truly mind-altering.

The piece looks into possible names for the royal newborn — who had not yet been named George at the time of publication — and explains how funny Mallick found a Monday tweet declaring the baby's name to be "Greg Thompson."

"Someone — possibly a Greg Thompson — tweeted this on Monday and I am not clear about why I am still laughing," she writes.

Besides mentioning "Greg Thompson" nine more times in the column, Mallick, who's won two National Newspaper Awards, also dives into naming conventions among the "posh Brits."

"The baby will have a plain name because royals need to look as if they’re not trying too hard," she writes. "Posh Brits try hard to look as if they’re not trying too hard."

But the column's surrealism truly emerges when Mallick begins talking about "Adolf Hitler groupies" Diana and Unity Mitford, sisters of Deborah Mitford, who was the Dowager Duchess of Devonshire. The point? They all have "plain names and absurd nicknames" and none are called "Greg Thompson." Really, you just have to read it for yourself.

The National Post listed Mallick's column in its "Five worst royal baby columns in Canada," err, column.

Check out some of the reactions to Mallick's piece in the slideshow below:

Photo gallery Twitter Reacts To Heather Mallick's Royal Names Column See Gallery