It's enough to drive an aquaphobe to water.
A hilarious Kijiji ad with the humble aim of selling a motorboat preys beautifully on all those most primal desires that drive modern men - fast machines, faster women, while having it all in glorious James Bond-like style.
The ad may be for a 2004 Sea-Doo Sportster, but what the Edmonton man of mystery is selling - with humorous results - is chance at a life full of action, intrigue and testosterone-filled glory.
"This cruise missile was engineered with unthinkable alien technologies the military doesn’t even know exist by high-level rocket scientists and 37 fighter jet pilots locked in a room with Level A-5 clearance at Area 51," reads the ad.
"I love this hellcat from Planet Kickass and I’ll sure miss it... I’ll entertain reasonable offers and by reasonable, I mean don’t walk up and tell me you’ll give me $5,000 for it.
"That’s liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let’s just say you won’t be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore."
The powerboat is for sale for $10,900 but the ad itself is priceless.
The self-proclaimed secret agent promises a boat fast enough to keep up with Octopussy and handling that'll scare the living daylights out of lesser operatives.
"Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see," continues the man with the golden boat.
"If it’s a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Jason Bourne stunt double, then contact me. I might be out sneaking into international intelligence offices or wake boarding across the Atlantic, or just chilling with my Bond girls, but I’ll get back to you.
"When I do, we’ll talk about price over a nice Martini, shaken not stirred."
Click through the slideshow below for photos and more descriptions of this little boat with a view to a kill. After all, you don't live twice..
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