02/13/2014 01:08 EST | Updated 02/13/2014 01:59 EST

A Friendly Olympic Message To Our Neighbours In The United States

Dear USA,

You know we'll always love you, but we need to take a break. Every four years we're overcome with a ruthless desire to beat you at every sport involving snow or ice and we just can't pretend that things are "fine" between us anymore.

We'll always have NAFTA, but right now we'd like you to know just one thing -- we're winning. And here's why.

Sincerely, Canada

Our Olympic coverage is so much better

It's so much better that Americans are buying Canadian IPs to watch CBC's feeds

Our sets don't look like this

And we know how to caption a true champion

But we realize not all the problems are within your control. Get well Bob!

Our beer companies don't play both sides

We're even passport screening to make sure only Canadians get free suds

Because frankly, we're not sure you can handle our beer

Which we drink like this

This is Canada beating the U.S. 6-1 to win gold at the first ever Winter Games

Not much has changed

In 21 Winter Olympics, we've won 8 golds in men's hockey

You've won 2

For the women, we've got you beat 3 to 1

Did we mention how good our beer is and how awesome our women are?

And we really think it's time you did something about this

May we suggest this?

And considering what's going on in Russia, it would be good to do something about your bans on gay marriage

May we suggest this?

While you're at it, maybe fix this too

It might help you perform better

And do something about this

That is all

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