10/10/2014 10:04 EDT | Updated 10/10/2014 10:59 EDT

'Bachelor Canada' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Swimming With Sharks -- Literally


*** WARNING: Contains spoilers. Do not read on unless you've seen "The Bachelor Canada" Season 2, Episode 4. Unless you like spoilers, then go right ahead! ***

Like a seagull at a lighthouse, Tim perches himself on a rock, his fist boring into his chin in a moment of thoughtful reflection. "Will I ever find love?" he ponders. "Will I ever find someone who puts a sparkle (or any sort of light whatsoever) into my eyes?"

I don't know, Tim. Today is a new day, and nothing proves that more than the fact that Kaylynn was borderline normal this episode. Still not actually normal -- let's not get crazy now. But borderline. Normal enough.

The girls settle into their Bahamian digs, complete with phallic fruit kabobs to get them in the mood. Natalie gets the first one-on-one and immediately, my alarm bells go off. Anyone who claims to have a "deep connection" without ever having a date with a guy is just asking to be ridiculed.

She frolics into Tim's arms, full of hope and unicorns, and you can almost see her demise in slow motion with every embrace. "Funny how every house is a different colour," he says, in a desperate attempt to make conversation. Funny? Shame. Even worse than their conversations are Natalie's assessments that their date is going swimmingly and all's good on the romance front.

I wouldn't go so far as to agree with Lisa and say she's 'bats**t cray,' but she is demonstrating delusional tendencies. And frankly, once Natalie and Tim decide Natalie is better off leaving rather than sticking around, I think no one proves 'bats**t cray' more than Lisa as she jumps up to embrace Natalie upon her teary arrival back to the house to comfort her into her warm bosom. It actually gave me chills. Or maybe she was just trying to get close enough with her vampire teeth to bite.

Seriously, Lisa's demonstration of bitchiness is just utterly shocking. Don't you know this is all going to be on TV? I can see why Lisa was chosen for the shark-swimming group date: she'd be right at home in those chilly waters. So the group date goes to April, Kaylynn, Lisa, Dominique and Sachelle. I think the most emotion I've seen Tim show all season was his giddiness at the thought of plunging a bunch of women into shark-infested waters.

[Just going on record here -- if, in my next life, I come back as a single "Bachelor" contestant (that's karma for you), I'm telling you now, that if you put me anywhere near a shark, I'm packing the F up and leaving. WTF? You're seriously going to judge your ability to connect with a woman by her literally risking her life for you when you've known each other for like a week? Uh uh. Not this chickie. You can take me for who I am (a girl who was traumatized by watching the movie "Jaws" accidentally on a family vacation when I was 7, which subsequently led to actual legit therapy for recurring shark-related dreams as a tween and a deep fear of open water to the point where I no longer swim in the lake at the cottage and had a panic attack the one time I tried to be brave and snorkel) or you can leave me. It's really your call.]

Of course, Tim and April had another moment in the water, and I'm beginning to wonder if they're drawn to each other because they're actually, well, drawn to each other, or if it's because they sort of keep ending up together in these moments that give Tim a taste of what it should be like to be "The Bachelor." Regardless, I'm sure the other girls wanted to throw April to the sharks.

As sharks literally thrashed around the girls angrily, Sachelle put in the obligatory whining about Kaylynn being an attention-seeker, which normally I would totally agree with, but in this case, I was like, "Go on with your bad self, Kaylynn, and get back in that boat like your mama taught you." Oh wait. Your mama abandoned you at a boarding school when you were still in diapers. Scratch that.

Later that day at their 'beach party,' it's clear that April's hair (head and moustache) aren't winning any blue ribbons for the sexy-beach look. For some reason, Tim decides today is his day to lie on a chaise and wait to be fed grapes while kissing everyone under the sun, so we spend the next 10 minutes watching him go tongue wild, as the girls reveal their kisses with him before the saliva has even dried. When he was done with Dominique, he actually had the same look my kids used to get when they had finished a feed as babies. Milk drunk.

The next day, Trisha and Rileigh set off for the most awkward "Bachelor" invention -- the two-on-one. He once again looks good in black, and the awkward threesome set off for a shoeless fantasy date (no one wears shoes on their dates. Where are your shoes?!?).

Each girl tries desperately to sell themselves, Rileigh informing us that she's very smart -- like, super-smart, while Trisha plays the 'relationship experience' card, revealing that she broke off an engagement after an eight-year relationship. Whoa, Nelly.

We waste no time at all getting to the awkward part. I am going to hope it was editing and that the date wasn't actually that fast and awkward, because watching them float up to that table for two was just weird.

Trisha gets the rose (the closest she'll likely get to winning any sort of title) and Rileigh is quickly lifted back onto the boat. She settles in for one last flirtation with Tim, but we quickly realize he's so done with her and then she's gone. Yada yada yada, Trisha and Tim running in the ocean, diving in unison, kissing among the crashing waves ... and ... SCENE.

As we gear up for the rose ceremony, I look at the small group gathered and actually am astounded. There are six girls left Hometowns are in two weeks? Are you kidding me? Am I supposed to care about a particular girl by this point? I can't remember.

Tim proves once again to be a "Bachelor" rebel by giving every last girl a rose, promising them all another week. Not sure if he did this to avoid Kaylynn throwing herself at his ankles and refusing to leave if he didn't give her one, or if he actually wants them all to stay. I guess we'll never know.

Episode 3 Recap

Episode 2 Recap

Episode 1 Recap

"The Bachelor Canada" Season 2 will now be airing on Tuesdays at 8 p.m. ET on City. It no longer broadcasts on Thursdays.

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