But don’t worry – no matter how many mistakes you’ve made, take comfort in the fact that there is no way you screwed up as badly as some of these people.
In the spirit of looking back on the year that was, CBC Hamilton has compiled a list of some of the weirdest crime stories that happened in the city in 2014. Have a look, and marvel at some of the things that people actually thought were a good idea this year.
Shirtless drunk man takes a bath in church holy water
In this scene that reads like something out of a Trailer Park Boys episode, a Stoney Creek man got arrested back in September after a drunken rampage through a downtown church.
But this wasn’t just any casual rampage. He allegedly bathed in the holy water, vandalized religious objects and tried to light a wine-soaked altar on fire.
When officers got there, the man was found shirtless on the ground outside wearing a rosary and “in an intoxicated state.”
This will likely not endear him with the man upstairs.
Drug dealer accidentally tells police he’s a drug dealer
While we wholeheartedly agree that honesty is the best policy – you would expect a drug dealer to be fairly selective about it.
Not so back in February, when police were searching a home during a drug and weapon investigation.
While officers were conducting the search, there was a knock at the door. They asked who it was, and the man answered with, “A drug dealer.”
Unsurprisingly, he was arrested.
Police lay charges after wild mall security brawl
Historically, mall security and BMX riders don’t always make fast friends. This was certainly the case back in September when a wild brawl broke out between a group of BMX riders and Jackson Square security guards.
How crazy did it get? Well, the BMX riders were arrested (after one throws a shoe à la Austin Powers) and a YouTube clip of the incident amassed over 500,000 views.
Hamilton man drives 44 kilometres the wrong way on Highways 403 and 401
Honestly, it’s a miracle that no one was hurt during this one. Back in the summer, a Hamilton man drove the wrong way on two of Southern Ontario's biggest highways for more that 44 kilometres before police closed the highway to stop him.
The man weaved his way through oncoming traffic all the way from Brantford to Ingersoll on Highways 403 and 401. He even got off the highway briefly at a service centre at one point, but didn’t stop for coffee or gas. Instead, he drove straight through and back onto the highway.
“It's very lucky that no one was injured or killed,” said OPP Const. Liosa Naranesik. A 29-year-old Hamilton man was charged with dangerous driving and possession of marijuana, but not impaired driving.
Man steals over 150 pairs of women's underwear in crime spree
Back in November, police held a press conference announced they nabbed a man they say had been responsible for a robbery spree in the city’s east end.
But his biggest haul wasn’t electronics or jewelry – it was women’s underwear. He had stolen over 150 pairs of underwear from those homes, police say. It was enough to fill three whole tables at the press conference.
The man was charged with six counts of break and enter, attempted entry, nine counts of possession of burglary tools and four counts of failing to comply with a recognizance.
Driver passed out on fire station lawn carrying crack
Impaired driving is heinous, dangerous, and stupid. Passing out behind the wheel on a fire station’s lawn carrying crack cocaine and thousands in cash is even more stupid.
But a Hamilton man was arrested on charges of doing exactly that in the beginning of December.
Police were called about a car parked on the lawn of the fire station at Mohawk Road and Garth Street and when officers got there, they found a driver passed out behind the wheel.
The man “showed signs of impairment” and was arrested. When he was searched, officers found 53 grams of crack cocaine and a “large quantity of cash,” police say. A 35-year-old-man was charged with impaired operation of a motor vehicle, over 80, cocaine possession and proceeds of crime over $5,000.