*** WARNING: SPOILER ALERT! ***
Congratulations! If you’re reading this, it’s likely you watched four hours of "The Celebrity Apprentice" in just over 25 hours.
But you and the Trumps are in good company. The season premiere scored 35 percent more American viewers than the debut of its 2013 All-Star version. So, in the words of former "SNL" star Darrell Hammond as the Donald, this season of "Celebrity Apprentice" is going to be HUUUUUUUGE.
At the start of the night’s double-header, we learn Vivica A. Fox is in it to play, and wants to "drop the drama." Kate Gosselin remains unable to string a sentence together but somehow outfoxes Kevin Jonas, whom Geraldo Rivera backhandedly dubbed "digitally hip."
The first task required the teams to create a commercial and slogan for Neat, an online storage or cloud company. Kate begrudgingly steps up, and did you know she has eight kids? Brandi Glanville is not impressed.
"Kate is not a businesswoman," said Brandi. "I don’t even know how she makes money. If she’s not on TV yelling at her kids, what’s she going to do?"
Remember, this is coming from a Real Housewife.
Again, we see Geraldo (now dubbed a "news icon") feud with Kevin, the Vortex Project Manager. When Kevin selects Hollywood heavyweights Lorenzo Lamas and EYE-an Ziering (it's always been EYE-an) as his "brain trust" and road trip buddies, the septuagenarian can’t handle feeling left out because "[Kevin] needs to understand that I’m Geraldo," so he repeats his slogan idea, ad nauseum.
"Neat. Sweet!"
Sigh. Kevin throws in an epic eye roll as the two fight over the copy of their commercial, which, naturally, starred the always-kvetching Gilbert Gottfried as an exasperated businessman. Inspired casting. How will he ever keep track of all of his documents without the Cloud?! Meanwhile, Kate’s scatterbrained-at-best leadership is limited to making sure Brandi is eating and not working too hard. Her efforts are quickly met with a confessional of "Have a lollipop and get the f**k back to work." That should be on a t-shirt, right?
Buoyed by the strength of Leeza Gibbons’ listening skills ("Have you ever used the character of the Neatologist?") and Vivica’s roster of comic characters (her Neatologist comes in red), the women took the challenge. Poor Kevin. After quickly becoming my favourite JoBro, he got outplayed by Kate, and tried to outsmart the Donald by bringing ally EYE-an into the boardroom to gang up on Geraldo and guarantee his own survival. Trump wasn’t having it – he wanted Lorenzo out, and suggested that twice! He then stormed into a rage when Kevin said EYE-an shouldn't be fired, saying, "You tried to out-think me, and nobody out-thinks me. Nobody!"
Kevin, we hardly knew ye.
The next challenge was a bit of a snooze. With Vivica and Terrell Owens at the helm, the teams faced off in a tasting presentation competition featuring Luvo’s health-based frozen foods. Fine. At least it introduces us to Vivica, the PMS slayer™.
When she learns Shawn Johnson wants to bow out due to her "moon cycle," Vivica refuses to let it derail her task, saying, "You better get you a pain pill, and we gonna keep this moving!"
And if the PMS slayer wasn’t enough, Vivica also has an emcee-like chef character who can hype up the crowds like Arsenio Hall when frozen meals aren't thawed as quickly as promised. But, it didn't bomb. Gilbert’s faux-roast improv did. Going up there without a script, and following cringe-worthy acts like EYE-an’s "Steve-mazing" (or possible "Steam-mazing," but since Ivanka smiled so broadly, let's assume it was a "90210" reference) meal and Geraldo’s "fabuloso" chicken chili verde, Gilbert kept it crude, just in time for dessert.
First, he insults the product:
"Strawberry frozen yogurt – tastes fattening, but I can assure you it’s not!"
Then, his wife:
"My children are a miracle, because a woman had sex with me twice."
And that’s just what we were allowed to see. Between the off-colour flubs and a slogan that promised "long life," Gilbert was an easy fire for The Donald, though it was clear the comedian fell on his own sword on purpose.
So, can you handle it? Two hours a week for six weeks, with roughly 51 minutes of boardroom brouhaha, as per Rob Has a Podcast’s Scott St. Pierre? Don’t deny it. You’re only lying to yourself.
"Celebrity Apprentice" Over-Under Scale:
Kate Gosselin has "eight kids" – Over/Under three mentions.
Ivanka's crush on EYE-an - Over/Under one mention. (She has no poker face. Her laugh during "Steve-masing" was genuine).
George H. Ross side-eye - Over/Under four mentions.
