01/11/2016 03:04 EST | Updated 01/11/2016 03:59 EST

In Defense Of The 'Worst Dressed' Stars At The 2016 Golden Globes

Alright, I’m here. Finally. We all had a lot to process during the Golden Globes and most of it was less about the fashion, and much more about Ricky Gervais and why he was there and who let him be there and how do we make sure he never comes back again.

But now, hours since processing we were witnessing the literal re-enactment of the sinking of the Titanic in award show form, some of us are ready to talk dresses. Or, more specifically, some of us (hi) are willing to defend the dresses some claimed weren’t so great. Today, that’s my job.

So to anyone who’s ever worn anything controversial, this one’s for you. It’s just me against the world but more specifically, against anyone who’s ever had a different opinion about clothes than I do. Let’s do this.

  • 1. Julianne Moore (Tom Ford)
    1. Julianne Moore (Tom Ford)
    George Pimentel via Getty Images
    On behalf of all women who like sleeves, thank you. On behalf of all women who like sequins, thank you. On behalf of anyone who’s dreamed of arriving to the Golden Globes while Jay Z’s "Tom Ford" blares loudly (in your mind) while also wearing a long-sleeved sequined dress, thank you. Julianne Moore could wear a paper bag to the Golden Globes and it would be better than anything any of us currently own, and we all know it. Instead, she wore a dress that’s in-step with the 2016 landscape (see: dark blue) and told us all individually (with her thoughts), "Sleeves are for all of us, and I love you."
  • 2. Katy Perry (Prada)
    2. Katy Perry (Prada)
    George Pimentel via Getty Images
    Was Katy Perry’s Bumpit and pink tribute to our best clubbing years a tad controversial? Yes — to anyone who opposes fun. The thing about red carpets is that they’re boring. We golf clap at "in" tones and large skirts and we pretend that if given the chance, we wouldn’t seize our inner Katy Perry and dress like our crush was probably going to be at the bar tonight, so we should 100 per cent bring it. So in that moment, I swear we were Katy Perry. Infinite. Thirsty for hair volume. Ready to dance. Wearing pink. Bless us everyone.
  • 3. Kate Winslet (Ralph Lauren)
    3. Kate Winslet (Ralph Lauren)
    George Pimentel via Getty Images
    Look, I’ll be honest: Kate Winslet’s halter dress would look terrible on all of us (seriously: name me one person who looks glorious in a halter and I will give you my utmost and lifelong respect), and it didn’t look terrible on her and that’s why she’s earned a spot on my defense list. Me? I’d look like a reject from the reboot of "Dallas." Kate? Like Kate Winslet, which is one of the best aesthetic compliments you can give anyone.
  • 4. Kate Hudson (Michael Kors)
    4. Kate Hudson (Michael Kors)
    Steve Granitz via Getty Images
    Oh, I get it, you guys: you were allowed to wear a midriff-baring ensemble to your junior prom or school dance or all-ages event at the YMCA. Your parents were "cool" and so this meant Kate Hudson looked "too '90s." But guess what: some of us missed that window. Some of us went to Catholic school where we couldn’t even wear spaghetti straps because they were too sexy for people who I guess made the rules about what "sexy" is. So to us, Kate Hudson is a beacon. Kate Hudson’s sequined, two piece-ish, choker’d, chunky-heeled dress is not just a reminder that we are adults who can now dress however we want, it’s a reminder that we should because it’s fun.
  • 5. America Ferrera (Jenny Packham)
    5. America Ferrera (Jenny Packham)
    Steve Granitz via Getty Images
    Mustard yellow was the colour of the night meaning mustard yellow will be the colour of the year which is just one reason I will stand at the edge of the Golden Globes red carpet and cheer America Ferrera’s name as though I am somehow responsible for her style choices. The other reason? She looks like a gladiator and it is wonderful.
  • 6. Rachel McAdams (Lanvin)
    6. Rachel McAdams (Lanvin)
    George Pimentel via Getty Images
    If Rachel McAdams can’t wear a floral print, then who can, I beg you: who? The print doesn’t overwhelm her, she evokes the majesty of spring, and on top of that, she’s wearing more colour than all the mustard dresses combined, even though a genius on Twitter did hit it right on the head by describing JLo as a "mean flower." Rachel McAdams is not a mean flower, however. She is an actress in a wonderful dress.
  • 7. Maggie Gyllenhaal (Marc Jacobs)
    7. Maggie Gyllenhaal (Marc Jacobs)
    Steve Granitz via Getty Images
    Okay, fine: perfect neckline and silhouette and '00s-era colour combination aside, I would remove the embellishment on one side of Maggie Gyllenhaal’s dress and return it to my friend’s closet (circa 2000, when we weren’t sure what to wear to that one club that had foam parties once a month) from whence it came. But I get it: the noughties are back, the Golden Globes are telling us so, and if we have to come to terms with it, then at least Ms. Gyllenhaal can remind us gently as opposed to rolling in like an extra from "The OC" (in a frayed denim mini skirt or something). Good day.
  • 8. Melissa McCarthy (Melissa McCarthy)
    8. Melissa McCarthy (Melissa McCarthy)
    John Shearer via Getty Images
    Melissa McCarthy designed this dress because she felt beautiful and comfortable and wonderful in it, and it looks like a disco dream, and if I hear any of you talking smack about its majesty I will make you design your own line that you can defend to people on the Internet, so there.
  • 9. Emilia Clarke (Valentino Couture)
    9. Emilia Clarke (Valentino Couture)
    Jason Merritt via Getty Images
    Considering she’s the mother of dragons, it’d be an embarrassment and disgrace for Emilia Clarke to do anything but wear a cape — especially since JLo and Taraji P Henson also wore capes, thus proving that capes are very, very cool. Also: black lace. Safe? Yes. But considering lace is all over the S/S 2016 vision board, we should be applauding her for channelling the gothic elements like some glorious Morticia Addams, proving to us she can and will slay us all if we ever — ever — go in on her gown again.
  • 10. Eva Longoria (Georges Hobeika)
    10. Eva Longoria (Georges Hobeika)
    John Shearer via Getty Images
    And okay, fine, this is an outfit I wouldn’t necessarily wear, but that’s entirely because I will always spill something on myself if wearing white, and not even cute floral embellishments can help me. But on its own? White (an "in" colour), florals (a spring go-to), and two pieces (#YGG). Eva Longoria is better than us.

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