04/04/2016 04:11 EDT | Updated 04/11/2016 12:59 EDT

How To Orgasm Alone Or With A Partner

But start solo first.

Orgasms: everyone wants to have them, and nobody wants to admit if they’re not.

But more of us may be going without the Big O than you might suspect. A survey done by Cosmopolitan found that 57 per cent of women have an orgasm most or every time they have sex with a partner, but 95 per cent say their partner orgasms most or every time.

This can be particularly fraught for women, who receive a host of mixed messages about sex and sexuality throughout their lives.

"We women have so much stacked against us when it comes to our pleasure,” says Sex therapist Vanessa Marin. "We're socialized to be embarrassed of our bodies and our sexualities. We're told we're more ‘complicated' than men.

Marin adds women are rarely given adequate sexual education and at the same time, they are made to feel ashamed for not knowing how to orgasm yet.

"We're bombarded with bad advice like 'just relax' or 'stop thinking about it,' as if orgasm should come as naturally as breathing."

Fortunately, help is out there. Sometimes the solution is a bit of exploration and experimentation, either on your own or with a partner (or both). A sex therapist, like Marin, can help you work through deeper-seated issues that could be keeping you from climaxing.

Read on for nine things you should know about orgasms — including why you aren’t having them in the first place.

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