Rejoice, sports fans, for baseball is here, basketball is happening, and hockey will continue for no less than 432 days. It’s true: We’re currently in a vortex of athleticism, and while I’d like to pretend I don’t care (because I like to feel superior to everybody else), I care a lot, and my feelings have started to come through my wardrobe in that I recently bought an actual sports jersey and now own three Blue Jays hats.
And while part of this reflects my own inability to budget my money or spend it wisely, a bigger part of it reflects the fact that dressing like a bona fide athlete is just as good as seeming athletic, as far as I’m concerned. I am not athletic. I am not "sporty." The other day, I walked across the street to buy a newspaper, and I wore my track pants, a hoodie, and a vest, and told myself I was passing for a jogger. (And as far as I’m concerned, I totally did.)
So with deception in mind, here’s my guide to convincing everybody how athletic you are based on your aesthetic choices and your aesthetic choices alone. Bless us everyone.
I’m not kidding around, people. Hoodies, jogging pants, hats, and . . . anything else fleece (a blanket? I don’t know, you guys) will convince everyone that your first priority is comfort, and that the second is warmth and athleticism. Hoodies and track pants send the strong, distinct message that should anything come up, you can immediately sprint over and diffuse it, making you a modern-day superhero, provided you don’t watch any superhero movies for context. Bonus points if you spend any/all durations of conversations jogging in place, while taking your pulse intermittently for dramatic effect.
Shop: Roots Womens Original Sweatpant, $68.
Fortunately, the popularity of Adidas everything has made wearing Stan Smiths a staple of most people’s day-to-day wear. But do you want to up the ante? (Of course you do.) Perfect: Opt for sports shoes. The louder, the better. The lighter, the more superior. Your shoes should allude to the fact that while you are certainly not running currently, you could and would at any minute and are willing to abandon your afternoon at the mall by sprinting full speed into the abyss. Now they see you, now they don’t. Nobody needs to know you ran right to your car to tweet about how you just tricked everyone into thinking you’re an athlete.
Which, for the record, is called the Anne T. Donahue special.
Shop: New Balance 530 Bionic Boom, $129.99.
For the record, I don’t know what this does, but I know that a lot of people who care about working out have one, so that’s gotta count for something. Based entirely on my observations and not my own experiences, Fitbits allude to athleticism because you can respond to its beeps by bragging about how many steps you’ve taken and how many calories you’ve eaten or something, and everyone else gets to sit there saying, "Oh that’s cool" while staring at their phones. And if you can’t afford one, I assume you can just tape an iPhone to your wrist and say "Oh, it’s the new one." Nobody will know the difference and nobody will care enough to ask anything more.
Shop: Fitbit Charge HR, $199.95.
I’ve added these based entirely on Beyonce’s collaboration with Topshop, which will see me buying any/all available styles in the belief that everyone will think I can dance just like her. How do I plan to do this? I will wear yoga and/or stretchy pants constantly, all while stretching casually while carrying on everyday conversations with my friends and loved ones. Because the thing is, being athletic is as much a fact as it is a state of mind: If you walk into a room believing you can dance like Beyonce and you are dressed like you can dance like Beyonce, everybody will think you can dance like Beyonce, provided nobody asks you to actually prove it. (And if they do, say "You first." Unless, of course, you are talking to Beyonce.)
Shop:Topshop Petite Detox Retox Leggings, $36.41.
Every time I put on a baseball hat, I know for a fact most people who see me will think I am an MLB athlete. And I am not. I am just a regular person disguised as a multi-millionaire. But now you can be in-disguise too. With only the addition of a chapeau, you announce to the world that you are athletic, that you are busy, and that you are trying not to be noticed by the prying eyes of the paparazzi. Or, at the very least, you will allude to the fact that you are Kylie Jenner, and if we could all look so great in a baseball hat, then really we should be so lucky. Thank you.
Shop: Adidas Originals Five-Panel Running Cap, $35.
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