World's First Sex Cruise Promises 'Intense Icebreakers'

Might want to keep the motion out of the ocean.

No need to go down with this ship — they'd rather you went down on it.

Mexican adult hospitality company Original Group is inviting customers to sensually swab their decks aboard the Azamara Quest, a luxury cruise ship that sets sail Sept. 2017.

Original Group is offering the "Venice Foreplay: Desire Cruise," an eight-day cruise embarking from Italy that advertises itself as an "adult vacation experience."

And like all adult vacation experiences, there are plenty of rules that make this sex cruise less than smooth sailing.

As if regular ice-breakers weren't painful enough, the cruise promises "intense icebreakers," which we can only hope will not involve trust falls off the plank.

The trip, which can run you from $3,731 to $14,230, follows a strict itinerary of zipping from Venice to Bologna, which is objectively Italy's least sexy-sounding city. From there, landlubbers will be whisked to three Croatian cities and two Slovakian cities, before returning to Venice. With all that motion in the ocean, stepping off and seducing the locals will be a no-go.

If you're less keen on sight-seeing and just want a boat booty call, that ship has sailed too. The Desire Cruise forbids passengers from bumping barnacles with staff members.

Cake by the ocean? Nope. And no flags at full-mast around the dinner table either. The cruise asks that guests wear "appropriate apparel" in restaurant areas, which means starfish pasties are probably out. The cruise, which advertises itself as clothing optional, has banned tank tops, jeans, and shorts at their restaurants, suggesting that customers actually have to dress up for their nude cruise. (Or rock mumus.)

And although their "no means no" consent policy makes good waves, their privacy policy is kinda scary, saying that it might enhance its information on customers by collecting "data from outside sources."

A cheaper and hassle-free alternative? Going home with a partner and wrestling krakens with this playing in the background.

Close enough!

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