There are a lot of great shows and movies coming to Netflix Canada in September, but no, sorry, that's a lie.
There's only one movie we truly care about, so pull on your impossibly tight pants and get ready to dance, magic, dance, because the absolute '80s acid trip also known as "Labyrinth" drops on Netflix Canada (both on the regular and the kids' profile) on Sept. 1.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Netflix Canada casually confirmed it in a tweet that listed a whole bunch of other stuff we didn't even bother reading once we saw the word "Labyrinth" and started screaming.
Just like poor Sarah, in an instant we were transported to a world of nerve-wracking twists and turns, mostly terrifying puppets, fart swamps, a crying baby in a striped jumpsuit, and David Bowie's crotch bulge.
For those who didn't have VCRs, eyes, and childhoods warped by the horrifying darkness of every kids' movie produced in the '80s, "Labyrinth" is a cult 1986 Jim Henson film starring Academy Award-winning actress Jennifer Connelly and the late rock sensation David Bowie. The rest of the characters are pretty much just puppets, and Toby the baby.
The plot — if you want to call a series of musical numbers wrapped in puppet-led fantasy sequences wrapped in leggings a plot — is essentially this: Teenage Sarah, played by Connelly, wishes her baby brother would be taken away by a Goblin King.
BUT THEN IT ACTUALLY HAPPENS, YO.
And the Goblin King, Jareth, played by Bowie, informs Sarah she has 13 hours to make it through his labyrinth and rescue Toby before he becomes a goblin forever.
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On her journey, Sarah meets several strange puppets like Hoggle and Ludo, who help her. She also encounters a bunch of puppets who do not want to help her, but will haunt your dreams.
(Warning: spoilers ahead. BUT COME ON WHO HASN'T WATCHED THIS MOVIE AT EVERY SLEEPOVER THEY EVER ATTENDED?! Regardless: spoilers)
Meanwhile, Sarah falls down an extremely disturbing "shaft of hands," gets trapped in an oubliette, nearly dies in an encounter with "the cleaners," gets lost in a forest, is assaulted by a gang of "Fireys" who want to take off her head, gets banished to a swamp, eats a drugged peach (from who else? Jareth) and loses her memories, is entangled in some kind of quasi-sexual mind game with Jareth — who, by the way, is ... much older ... than Sarah... — all while her baby brother sobs so loudly that we can hear him from across the entire damn labyrinth.
Also, this is a movie for children.
But there are song and dance numbers! So it's fine. Everything's fine.
While the movie was a flop at the box office (weird, why?), Bowie's star power helped make it a cult classic. The lyrics to "Magic Dance" — "You remind me of the babe." "What babe?" — might as well be the secret password to the club-house door that unlocks the '80s.
And now, as of Sept. 1, you can re-watch it on Netflix to your heart's content, and maybe even traumatize, er entertain, your own children with Sarah and Jareth's dark power struggle!
I mean, we all watched it as kids, and we're mostly fine, right?
The fine people of Twitter are also extremely excited about "Labyrinth" coming to Netflix. (Warning: some of these people are SO EXCITED that their tweets contain multiple expletives. Listen, if you grew up on twisted movies like these — you're not off the hook, "The Goonies," "Flight Of The Navigator," and "The Neverending Story" — you'd swear a lot, too).
Even if you decide this movie isn't totally appropriate for your kids just yet, at least show them the scene from the Bog of Eternal Stench.
Because fart jokes are ageless.
We know what we'll be doing this long weekend.
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