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How To Reclaim Your Holidays Without Pissing Off Extended Family

So many relatives. So little time.
Trying to share your time and attention with your entire extended family can create chaos.
Jose Luis Pelaez Inc/Getty Images
Trying to share your time and attention with your entire extended family can create chaos.

The holidays are upon us! Other than mistletoe and dreidels, eggnog and latkes, the central feature of these festivities is often family.

Most people would recognize family as the most valuable thing in their lives. While that is a beautiful sentiment, it actually creates a crisis of how to share our time and attention with everybody we'd like to see (and yes, even some of those we don't!).

After all, if the grandparents are flying in from Florida, we had better make their trip worth it. And then there's your cousin's new baby that no one has met yet. Your sister wants to host a toboggan party for the cousins on the same night you're expected to drop in for wine and cheese with your spouse's new boss. Your kids want to be in their own home to do stockings and gifts on Christmas morning, but there's no room in your living room to invite both sides of the family.

Yup, I'm pretty sure someone is probably going to get miffed with you.

WATCH: How to tell if you're over-scheduling your kids. Story continues below video.

We will twist ourselves into pretzels trying to put in appearances and not let anyone down. It's easy to begin to feel a wee bit sorry for ourselves. We start to feel resentful when our holidays look nothing like how we really want them to unfold.

So, what to do? Here are six ways to reclaim the holidays.

1. Mark your calendar

This time of year is special for both nuclear and extended family. Discuss with your children what aspects of the holidays they want to enjoy as nuclear family time only, and protect that with strong boundaries.

We have so little down time with our families, so it's important to cherish and value that, too. If you don't claim it, it's likely that time will be invaded. Mark "family day(s)" on the calendar and adhere to it like you would a dental appointment.

2. Check your pleasing and say 'no'

If you know you're a pleaser and find it hard to say "no" to invitations, then this holiday could be a wonderful opportunity to de-stress. What invitation can you decline with the least amount of discomfort? DO IT!

Don't get sideswiped by the request and blurt out your typical reply of "Yes, we'll be there." Instead, prepare your reply in advance. Write it out. Tape it to your phone, or better yet, be proactive and call before the invitation comes in.

You don't have to say "yes" to every invite you get.
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You don't have to say "yes" to every invite you get.

You'll quickly discover that the reaction you feared was not as bad as you assumed. Saying "no" might make people upset or disappointed, but it doesn't actually result in people loving you less or rejecting you. In fact, they may respect you for being so conscientious and taking charge of your life so well.

Next year you can try a bigger "no" and keep proving to yourself with bigger and bigger challenges that you can take charge of your own schedule without bending to the demands of others. That's empowering!

3. Go ahead and say yes, but check your attitude

If you've decided that this busy mixed-up schedule is your fate, then you have a choice to either begrudge your lot in life as a martyr, or you can harness the power of the mind to alter your attitude. That is within your control.

Remind yourself that this schedule was your choice. Remember you could have declined some invitations but you decided to go full tilt instead. Think of it as a kind of marathon. At least give yourself the honour of feeling proud instead of angry when you cross the finish line!

4. Expect the typical drama

Maybe part of why you don't want to spend time with everyone is because you don't want to deal with the drama. Believe it or not, every family has some weird dynamics, so this year why not decide to just roll with it and embrace the quirky family you're in.

Have a laugh and pretend you're writing a play with all these characters. Who wants a boring play? You want action and intrigue! Bring on the material! If you expect it, you will be less disturbed by it.

Expect family drama.
JGI/Jamie Grill/Getty Images
Expect family drama.

Of course your aunt is going to give you a guilt trip for not coming to the family party. Yes, your sister is going to feel she is less loved because you are deciding to go to your brother's instead this year. But remember the saying, "Not my circus — not my monkey." You are only responsible for your own actions, not other people's reactions.

5. Remind yourself that others don't know your pain

Ask yourself. .. does your family want you to suffer? I'm guessing they don't. Please know that if your family had any idea of how much all this hauling and hosting and socializing was costing your happiness, they would feel badly. They're not mind readers.

It doesn't matter if other members of the family are even busier than you. Some people are more wired for chaos and others need more calm. Decide what you need for yourself and your family's well-being and trust others to be adult about it (even if they aren't).

6. Family is family 365 days of the year

While the holidays are a lovely time for family traditions, you can spread the special get-togethers across the whole year. If you feel someone is missing out on activities in December, be sure to let them know you plan on including them at other times by making special family occasions out of a birthday in March or the kids' choir concert in June.

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