PARENTS
04/25/2019 11:28 EDT | Updated 05/04/2019 08:35 EDT

Here's What To Really Expect After Giving Birth, According To New Moms

We asked moms to tell all. They delivered.

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You stink now, for instance.

Ah, motherhood.

In this age of honest parenting, surely no one expects that mom life is all #blessed, all the time. With sheroes like Chrissy Teigen tweeting about her ripped "butthole," Amy Schumer posting barfing videos during her pregnancy, and Canadian mom truthers Cat and Nat encouraging us to embrace being hot messes, moms have been getting very real about this path we're on.

And, you guys, this path is a seriously gross one.

WATCH: The gross things no one told you about motherhood. Story continues below.

Sure, there are the adorable babies. But there are also hemorrhoids, and using yourself as a human puke shield, and suddenly having armpits that smell like onions (is it the hormones? Is it the bathing yourself with baby wipes? It's a stanky mystery).

In the spirit of sharing and normalizing, we asked moms across Canada to submit stories about the grossest parts of motherhood no one warned them about. And hold onto your Depends, because they seriously came through.

Due to the, um, graphic nature of some of these confessions, we gave the moms the option of remaining anonymous or using their first name only.

No one warned me about: mom stank

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Mmm ... hot garbage.

"The fact that someone swapped your pre-baby armpits with those of a Woodstock dance champion on an onion juicing cleanse."

— Ashley Scholefield, Victoria B.C.

"So post baby number two, my B.O. was pretty bad. No matter how much I washed ... stinky. Apparently, it's natural so baby smells you... yuck. I forgot to put deodorant on one day and was at a family event. Very huggy family. I thought I would take someone out with my stench every time I hugged someone."

— Anonymous, Ottawa

No one warned me about: pre- and post-baby poops

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This is the real after-birth.

"I ate a large amount of bean salad the afternoon before getting my epidural to have my daughter. Zero control the whole next day in labour. Hilarity and embarrassment ensued. Mostly hilarity, I was delirious. Lol."

— Erin Weatherall, Ottawa

"NO ONE had told me, prepared me, even suggested that my bowels would betray me after a caesarean! They gave me laxatives, but those were apparently not enough.

"My 'poo baby' was born about a week after my twins, took me over an hour to deliver into my in-laws' toilet, and about 10 minutes for my poor husband to break up and get flushed down the toilet as I sobbed, nursed my bleeding and bruised asshole, and also nursed my babies who had been crying for the last 30 minutes of the 'delivery' since they had just woken up starving from sleep.

"It was the worst part of becoming a parent, but also the best in a way because I knew my husband was really in this shit with me (literally)."

— Kristen Gibson, currently living in Warsaw, Poland

No one warned me about: vaginal varicose veins *screams* and granulation tissue

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These are actual things that have happened to actual people.

"Gross things I didn't know about motherhood? I got plenty. Skin tags during pregnancy, especially in your belly button, that can flake off after baby. VAGINAL VARICOSE VEINS! Enough said. That was alarming and painful, and actually did go away but would come back again and then some if I had more babies."

— Anonymous, Ottawa

"Two words: Granulation Tissue! ... I waited 12.5 weeks postpartum to attempt sex ... It wasn't as bad as I was expecting ... but it wasn't fireworks either. A few days later, I decided to take out the handheld mirror just 'for fun' and squat over it (mistake). I immediately saw a red blob at the opening of my vag. Was it blood? Did my husband ruin me? Was it a blister? I poked it. It didn't hurt ...

"I got in with my doctor that day and after a quick explanation from me and a peek, she said, 'yes, just what I suspected after you said red blob: granulation tissue.' I was told it's perfectly normal and happens a lot in the healing process. Not caused by sex. It was already there. Essentially it's excess scar tissue. From the repair of the tear. So what do we do? Doc: 'I could treat it with silver nitrate right here that essentially burns it off. You may have black discharge. You may need a few treatments. Or you could just leave it if it doesn't bother you.'

"So here I am, writing this with an extra blob of skin down there because who the eff wants black discharge. Childbirth is fun."

— Anonymous, Ottawa

No one warned me about: Hemorrhoids

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Some women may experience mild hemorrhoids.

"So much gross ...where to begin? Poop under fingernails? Peeing myself when I cough or laugh? The most annoying gross thing about motherhood for me is the 'side-effects' of hemorrhoids. Since having my second and the hemorrhoids that came along with her, cleaning up after a BM is like wiping a damn Sharpie marker... will the TP ever come clean? Just when I think I've finished the job, I discover some other crevice that I missed on the first 100 passes. Baby wipes help, but only to a degree. My partner and I are pricing out bidet attachments."

— Bunny, Mission, B.C.

No one warned me about: all the poop and puke. Everywhere.

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Get ready for blastoff in 3... 2... 1...

"The grossest part of parenthood is trying to aim the puke machine so that the stream lands on you, rather than the nice carpet — because you are easier to clean than the nice carpet."

— Jessa, Brantford, Ont.

"Grossest kid thing: fishing turds out of the bathtub."

— Lindsay Leigh, Maple Ridge, B.C.

"Sweet naked baby pics in our hands which turned into waterfalls of yellow-green newborn runny poo all over everrrrrrrything."

— Susanna Haas Lyons, Vancouver

"How about the time I was sick with a stomach bug and pooped MY pants a little tiny bit on the way to pick my son up from daycare, and then had to have a full on conversation with the daycare lady as if nothing was amiss, squat down to put his shoes and coat on, push my kid home in a stroller, stopping at every traffic light and twice to get him a snack and wipe his hands, wait for an elevator because one of them in my building was broken, and then get him settled in before I could actually deal with my underwear? The true sacrifice of parenting, man. Dealing with everything but your own needs first."

— Anonymous, Vancouver

No one warned me about: the joys of pumping

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You haven't lived until you've done this.

"I got so pale and almost fainted because my boobs were so engorged at a work meeting shortly after I returned to work after mat leave. That particular workplace was gross. Imagine washrooms from the 'Saw' movies. I think I forgot my manual pump. But there was no spare room so I'd have to use the WC to pump, anyway. I had to hand-express boob milk into 'Saw' sink/toilet so that I could regain enough consciousness to drive home. Never thought I'd have to get my boobs so close to (and almost touching) gross public surfaces just so I don't die ..."

— Colleen, Ottawa

No one warned me about: everything, but that's motherhood

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Moments like this make it worth it... mostly.

"For me. .. None of it becomes gross because we have no choice but to deal. I have cleaned poop. Out of underwear, the tub, off the floor. Picked out lice every second day for two weeks, and applied eye ointment for pink eye. I've even caught vomit in my hand because moms have this feeling when it's about to come. We take it all and do it again and again because this is motherhood. Xo."

— Megan Guenter, Vancouver

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