06/05/2012 05:12 EDT | Updated 08/05/2012 05:12 EDT

Summer Style Tips From a Guy's-Guy

Summer babes aren't interested in dudes who dress like everybody else. Yet in order to look hot, guys pour hours into researching the same blogs and the same fashion writers -- in the end, they all look the same!

That's why I'm the perfect source for giving you the sexy, unique look you won't find anywhere else: nobody comes to me for fashion tips, as I've only written one fashion style guide ever, and that was in a very disreputable publication nobody reads. Read on to learn the proper way to look casual and smart this summer.

Summer casual

The relaxed summer look always entails a Sophie's Choice: to wear flip flops or Nike sneaks? Wear swooshed runners for the "laissez-faire" look. You'll be the laid-back, but active man-about-town. Perfect for riding your bicyclette.

Insider tip: wear sneaks with extra low-cut ankle socks to totally elongate your calves. Dee-lish! Though the sport is beyond stupid, basketball shorts are breezy and silky -- perfect for summer. To cover your upper body, you'll need a T-shirt. This summer, blue and grey monochrome T-shirts are scorching. Also, you'll totes need a backpack to tote your stuff. Not a major affair, just a cute little Deuter bag for your whiskey, chess board, 50 Shades of Grey, and other summer essentials.

To make things even more casual, just turn the "laissez-faire" look into the "fairly lazy." To avoid confusion, this look is also called "couch-sexy." It's just like the previous style, but more The Dude. Full disclosure: it's by far my favourite look. The spirit of couch-sexy really emanates from the flip flops. Unless you're about to play roller hockey, wear them sans-socks. To step it up and really be an iridescent couch-sexy betch, you'll need a Grateful Dead t-shirt. Couch-sexy is a simple look, sleek and chic, yet it's radically affordable, so there's an air of austerity too. Very much the look of our times.

Summer Smarts

When it's time to make summer a black-tie affair, you'll need khaki shorts and a leather belt. A chickita will think you're pensive and debonair when she sees your khaki cut-offs paired with a smart strip of leather around the equator. The shorts come in white, tan, beige and cream, while blue and green are perfect for peacocking. To get the honeys really saying "ooh la la," wear brown leather dock shoes. Finito. Now that you're brilliantly decked in smart shorts while sporting two whole items of matching leather, everyone on the patio will know you're a solar-powered sex robot.

Whatever your look, if you're going to the bar and it might get chilly, you do not need pants. Just wear a long-sleeve plaid or a blue oxford button-up shirt with your shorts. This is the key to a wonderful illusion: when you sit down for table pints, the casual shorts vanish from sight and only your ritzy button down is visible. You feel free and easy, but you look swanky. It's like a party down below, all business on top -- mullet logic you can wear.

Where to Shop

Unless you want to dress like the rest of the horde, you can't just shop at any thrift store. Aside from Winners and garage sales, Toronto seldom stocks the gems. Go to cottage country thrift stores, where the good stuff stays on the rack because it's not swarmed by locust downtown-people. When the world catches up to the fashion happenings there, they'll need direct flights from Paris to Haliburton. That town is like one long catwalk. There, they don't need me to tell them how to look fairly lazy. In Haliburton, everyone dresses as sexy as I do.

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