11/19/2012 05:43 EST | Updated 01/19/2013 05:12 EST

Dear Stephen Colbert, Windsor Is Much Better Than a Rectum

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NEW YORK, NY - OCTOBER 02: TV personality Stephen Colbert promotes 'America Again: Re-becoming The Greatness We Never Weren't' at Barnes & Noble Union Square on October 2, 2012 in New York City. (Photo by Taylor Hill/Getty Images)

An Open Letter to Stephen Colbert from

It takes one to know one, Colbert.

You sank to a new bottom when you called the fine city of Windsor, Canada the "Earth's rectum." You have shafted Windsor before, naming it the "worst place on Earth" five years ago and now you are fingering it again.

Earth's rectum? Windsor, Ontario? You, sir, need to consult a proctologist. It's clear your brains were sucked out with everything else during your last colonoscopy. Your attempt to taint the City of Roses smells. Here are some enlightening facts about the city wrongly touched by your tongue:

  • Windsor, Ontario went two years in a row without a homicide. Detroit, Michigan -- less than one mile away -- can't go two minutes without a driveby. TWO YEARS WITHOUT A MURDER! And that's your rectum of the planet? We think we know where to flush your words.
  • Windsor, Ontario was one place where African-Americans sought freedom during your country's ugly and prolonged period of slavery. They hid in the crawl spaces of churches and schools and neighbour's homes when white bounty hunters came across the border looking to ship them back to places in the United States that really were full of assholes. Windsor, Ontario will always be a jewel because of that service to humankind and you should be ashamed for ever suggesting otherwise.
  • Windsor, Ontario is home to Motor Burger. What, never heard of it, Stephen? Come on up and give it a try. Motor Burger serves some of the finest red meat you can fit between two slices of bread anywhere on the continent -- and mighty fine craft beer, too (as you'll see from this list).

So, that should be proof enough that Windsor is not the Earth's rectum. But you knew that already, didn't you? As anyone can tell, your attempt to thrust such a label upon an unsuspecting and innocent town has to do with your own childhood secret. The true rectum of the Earth isn't Windsor, Ontario at all, but James Island, a little bit of South Carolina territory whose name is an anagram for ... Jam n Ass Deli*. It is also the home of one Stephen Colbert. That's right, Stephen, you are a Jam n Ass Deli man. Now that the truth is out, we expect you will eat your words. Your ruse to smear the name of Canada's southernmost city is over, Colbert. Leave Windsor alone!

Yours truly,

Team -- Happy Defenders of All Things Good and Clean About Canada

*Other anagrams for James Island: Ass Lined Jam, Jaild Ass Men, Me Ass n d Jail