04/17/2017 05:29 EDT | Updated 04/17/2017 05:29 EDT

Why Doesn't Donald Trump Own A White House Dog?

Florian Trojer via Getty Images
The White House in Washington, D.C. is seen after sunset as darkness falls. It is the home of the first family of the president of the United States of America.

The White House has been filled with a lot of strange creatures as of late, but one is conspicuously absent. Where is the first dog?

Presidential pets have been a steadfast tradition in the line of the presidency, and history is filled with interesting anecdotes about the previous animal inhabitants of the West Wing. Theodore Roosevelt had an animal farm that could rival Trump's performance of Animal Farm; complete with a hyena, a garter snake, and a veritable cornucopia of strange beasts that didn't wear ties.

Although the Sheriff is still new in town, President Trump is currently the first president in 130 years to forgo man's best friend while in office. According to some reports, he was eyeing up a Goldendoodle puppy named Patton, but the owner decided to keep the dog instead.

Trump was nonplussed. "We went back and forth between 'You can't have him' and 'I don't want him' for a little while," Trump family friend, Lois Pope told the New York Post.

Although he's vocalized a fondness for grabbing felines, Trump has demonstrated more restraint when it comes to lunging for a canine companion. So why is it so troublesome that Trump doesn't appear keen on dogs?

To quote a Bill Murray meme that I've definitely re-pinned, "I'm suspicious of people who don't like dogs, but I trust a dog when it doesn't like a person."

Shit, even George W. Bush had a dog. In fact, my entire mental redemption of old Dubya happened after he gave up politics and started painting portraits of dogs for a living. You can be an mean S.O.B, but a mean S.O.B who hates dogs is some next level Aleister Crowley shit that makes me want to bite the head of a bottle of bourbon and stab it directly into an artery.

In addition to being a soul-sucking blowhard, there's a distinct possibility that Trump lacks a dictator's most basic humanizing factor, a shared love for man's best friend. Even old Vlad Putin has a soft spot for puppies. He sent the French police a Belgian Malinois puppy after a police dog died in the wake of the Paris terrorist attacks.

So why doesn't Trump have a White House doggo? Let's get speculating.

Trump Really Hates Dogs


Good old Occam's Razor. Maybe Trump doesn't have a dog, because he doesn't like dogs. Just look at this photo. Trump's eyes are screaming, "Somebody handed me this wretched, stinking old thing, and I will pretend to like it so more people buy my shit."

I can tell, because he does exactly the same thing when forced to interact with Mike Pence.


Also, as covered by The Huffington Post last year, whenever Trump experience disgust, he invokes dogs.

And so on.

He Hasn't Found The Right Pet Yet


"He doesn't want a small dog." Lois Pope told the New York Post when discussing Trump's aversion to pups. Naturally Trump is the sort of man who would chuck a Cavalier King Charles out of a window and shriek "NO GIRLY MAN DOGS FOR THE BIG DON-DON" before his midday spray tan, and even his friends will admit it. "He's 6-foot-2," added Pope, as if contractually obligated to point that Donald is fractionally taller than the average man.

Maybe dogs just aren't the right pet for Trump. We hear that nothing screams 'big man' like owning a wild, cage-free tiger. Martin Van Buren had two. Putin never turns down a shirtless photo op if tigers are involved. 10/10 recommend as the perfect presidential pet for 2017. Very Walking Dead. Very now.

Dogs Ward Off Evil

The supernaturally inclined claim that pets can keep evil spirits at bay. That'll never fly with Steve Bannon lurching around the West Wing like a big drunk dementor. He'd never get near the Oval Office again. Kushner would be over the moon. In a completely unrelated incident, Ivanka has vocalized that she wants a White House dog on Twitter.

BRB, starting a Change.Org petition begging Ivanka to bring Doge into the White House. If the world is about to go to hell in a handbasket, I want some memes to make the end times just a little bit more bearable.

With that, I'll leave you the mental image of Trump meeting Doge for the first time.


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