12/10/2015 01:31 EST | Updated 12/10/2016 05:12 EST

I'm Canadian, But Trump Makes Me Want To Be American

KENA BETANCUR via Getty Images
Real estate mogul Donald Trump announces his bid for the presidency in the 2016 presidential race during an event at the Trump Tower on the Fifth Avenue in New York City on June 16, 2015. Trump, one of America's most flamboyant and outspoken billionaires, threw his hat into the race Tuesday for the White House, promising to make America great again. The 69-year-old long-shot candidate ridiculed the country's current crop of politicians and vowed to take on the growing might of China in a speech launching his run for the presidency in 2016. 'I am officially running for president of the United States and we are going to make our country great again,' he said from a podium bedecked in US flags at Trump Tower on New York's Fifth Avenue. The tycoon strode onto the stage after sailing down an escalator to the strains of 'Rockin' In The Free World' by Canadian singer Neil Young after being introduced by daughter Ivanka. His announcement follows years of speculation that the man known to millions as the bouffant-haired host of American reality TV game show 'The Apprentice' would one day enter politics. Trump identifies himself as a Republican, and has supported Republican candidates in the past. But in his announcement speech he did not explicitly say if he was running for the party's nomination or as an independent.AFP PHOTO/ KENA BETANCUR (Photo credit should read KENA BETANCUR/AFP/Getty Images)

Before I talk about the wretched Muslims ruining America, I'm going to admit I'm not American. I am Canadian, which I realize is pretty unfortunate. To make up for this deficiency, I've always pretended to be American.

I pretend because it is feels great to be "exceptional" and more civilized than the rest of the world. I pretend because it makes me feel safer to fear others who are different. I pretend because American Republican politicians aren't afraid to demonstrate their overt bigotry by generalizing an entire group of people. Now, it's time to finally stop pretending and fulfill my true destiny.

The ascendance of Donald the politician has inspired me to become a real American, not just a pretend one.

I want to trade in my boring, banal, covered-in-frozen-maple-syrup Canadian passport for an American one because I regard Trump as a hero for the masses. These are the same masses that include the poorest and most uneducated voters, but that's not the point.

The point is that Trump says it like it is. He tells the truth, even though it cannot be backed up with any evidence. He talks from his gut and not his brain. It pumps me and my fellow wannabe Americans up when he deflects the country's ills on minorities and immigrants. He also runs casinos in Las Vegas where I enjoy blowing my hard-earned cash. This is exactly the type of leader that we need to "make America great again."

Banning Muslims from entering American borders is not about hatred. It's about preserving and protecting America from the gun-toting, Allahu Akbar-chanting, beard-growing, camel-jockeying, hummus-and-green-chutney-eating terrorists.

Banning Muslims from entering the U.S. won't be a first, either. America's history is replete with marginalizing minorities at one point or another. We did it with the Native Americans, Italians, Jews, Irish and Japanese, and continue to practice this tried-and-tested, wholesome tradition with African Americans and Hispanics. Why should Muslims get special treatment by being treated like regular citizens?

Yes, they are all terrorists -- all 1.6 billion of them, stretching from the West Coast of Africa, to Southern Europe and all the way down to Southeast Asia. Although this vast area comprises a multitude of countries with their own distinct cultures and Islamic orientations, none of that matters -- they are all terrorists out to harm America. Anyone who says otherwise is a terrorist supporter and a victim of the liberal media.

So what if the overwhelming majority of mass shootings since 1982 were committed by white men? Their hatred is only influenced by spells of insanity and bouts of white supremacy at regularly scheduled intervals.

Muslims, on the other hand, get their inspiration from evil holy books that promote violence, killing babies, black magic and sorcery, among other vile things. They also dress weird and speak languages that sound threatening. This learned scholar of religion and steroid enthusiast sums it up perfectly: "Every Muslim is a terrorist, period."

I grew up with Muslims and I can assure you, terrorism is the least of your concerns, America. The majority of these heathens actually spend most of their time working regular day jobs, playing sports and watching Game of Thrones while praying for Jon Snow's comeback. I mean, who does that?

That's not all; during the holy month of Ramadan they fast for like a billion hours and still somehow survive without falling into a coma (see reference to black magic and sorcery above). The only negative is that it might spell the end of halal food trucks on the streets of New York and Chicago, but you can always make do with all-American fast food joints that serve edible plastic. It's a small price to pay in exchange for not getting blown to bits by a 14-year-old clockmaker.

The Donald has woken me up to the reality we face as Americans (yes, I've already put in my papers). We must defend our land from those that seek to destroy us, even though the vast majority of them only want to live as law-abiding citizens. We must protect our people, even if "protection" evolves into a sinister form of fascism. Above all, we must make America great again by destroying the very foundations on which it was built.

Will you join me, America?


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