We've all been taught from a young age that women have lower sex drives than men, who are supposedly naturally surging with testosterone, and therefore hornier than us.
The sources that spout this shite are wrong, as they very rarely take socialization into account: (hetero) men and women are taught to express their sexualities differently. Women are taught to be less forward, men that they're supposed to want sex. Also, the birth control pill has been known to artificially (and criminally) lower a woman's libido.
In my experience, women are usually far hungrier for (good) sex than men. So, I've come up with tips for coping with the situation.
Identify whether there's a "problem" to address
Let's start here: because of power imbalances, men with higher sex drives are rewarded, while women are shamed (the Victorian era lives on!) I'm generalizing heavily, but I've faced shame in every relationship for wanting it more, and for not letting my man initiate. One partner I had took two years to admit he had an issue with a woman initiating sex. Other men may not even be aware they feel this way.
Figure out whether your man actually has a bonafide lower sex drive than you (a totally valid discrepancy) or if the issue is a deep-seated misogynistic tendency of his to get more turned on if you seem uninterested.
If the issue is more about you being a super fiery woman and your man admits feeling intimidated, remember you're not his therapist, and only you can decide whether the issue is serious enough to dig into. 'Cause real talk: it might require some excavation.
Navigate consent
If the issue is a true discrepancy in sex drives, you have a whole other set of questions to ponder. For starters, does your man even wantto up his drive?
I used to try to "seduce" a long-term man of mine, but he saw it less as seduction and more as pressure. He once said something to me that I'll never forget: "How can you call yourself a feminist, and then violate my consent by pressuring me to have sex?"
While I don't actually believe this particular guy was at all in his rights to say that to me (he's the one who later admitted he simply had an issue with women initiating,) it got me thinking: there's a pretty thin line women must straddle.
We're taught to be seductresses, and that if our man is disinterested, we can be doing something better. But in my experience, when I do, I run the risk of being accused of "pressuring."
If you're in this position, it probably feels like shit on multiple levels. You probably feel like something is truly wrong with you: how could you do something as shitty as pressure someone into sex? You may feel additionally shitty because you feel undesirable. Are you somehow too much? Intimidating? Too masculine? Are you too hungry?
All of the above can be incredibly emotionally taxing.
What trying looks like
Regardless of the reasons behind your man's lower drive, one pure truth does remain: you have to back off and let it breathe because desire can be fickle and cruel, and it definitely doesn't respond to moreattention.
More from Bellesa:
- Here's What You Should Know Before Trying Out Polyamory
- There's No 'Right' Amount Of Dates To Wait Before Having Sex
- Stop Calling Everything That Actually Gets Women Off 'Foreplay'
In any case, it can be a rough game to try to "pretend" sex is not on your brain when it is, so don't fall into that trap. If you can, do this instead: find other things to occupy your interest outside of your relationship, and/or non-sexual but still fun-as-shit things to do with your man that you'll both enjoy. Sometimes all your relationship needs is a little boost from an unexpected place, and then it's up and running again, sex and all.
If time passes and this doesn't happen, and you find yourself stewing in your unhappiness, it may be time to reevaluate your ties to your guy.
We all deserve to be happy, and there are no formulas.
NSFW: This article was originally published on Bellesa.co.
Also on HuffPost: