It's that time of year again. The kids are going back to school, Target is abuzz with harried moms, the beaches are emptying, I'm still not tan and shit's about to get real on Pinterest:
I went to Ocean State Job Lot and bought my daughter's school supplies. After washing last year's perfectly good bag, I packed it very neatly, wrote her a little 'good luck' note and felt like a mom rock star. Then this bitch went and did this:
How? And more importantly, why?
And then her asshole mom friend did this:
I started this project and then accidentally ate all of the Rolos.
Sweet baby Jesus in the sky, why do people have to be so crafty?
I had a glass of wine, felt inspired and worked on this little project. Evidently, you're not supposed to use a blow torch to melt the Crayons:
Drink wine and fuck up crafts.
Raise your hand if your kids' last three years of school pictures are somewhere in the bottom of your "To Do" file. #mustmailtorelativesbeforecollege.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is how you get yourself on a federal watch list.
Um, Mom? This just feels wrong.
I'm just glad that my kids' socks match and that I don't look like Amanda Bynes at the bus stop. (
Don't forget your lunch, kids! Mommy loves you.
I'm not even sure what this is? A lemonade stand? For school shit?
I don't understand. What exactly are you selling? Explain yourself.
I'm still trying to figure out which summer camp to send my kids to. And then this mom is all:
Don't forget the personalized chalkboard
And then there are the moms that rush things:
I call bullshit. Everyone knows that three-year olds are too young for Kindy. Nice try, kid.
Nothing says the most important meal of the day quite like a super crafty breakfast and a diorama of...the first day of school. This mom stayed up until four in the morning preparing this. I hate her:
How to give your child explosive diarrhea on their first day of school. Also, if I did this and then tried to give my kids an organic pop tart the next morning, I'd be knifed.
And here is a baby in glasses laying on a book. Just cuz.
Smartest baby ever.
Here's to overdue library books, forgotten show-and-tell days, last-minute book reports and a whole lot of self forgiveness.
Have a great year! Don't forget to wear pants to the bus stop.
This blog was originally posted on Bitchin Sisters.