08/22/2011 10:12 EDT | Updated 10/22/2011 05:12 EDT

Ad Nauseum

I am feeling pumped today and not just because Jesse James and Kat Von D are back together and I no longer have to return the matching his and hers neck tattoos I got them for their wedding. Those two crazy kids belong together because when they make sweet love I imagine that it looks like Ed Hardy throwing up.

I'm not even in a good mood because the McRib is back, although that always makes life just a little bit more tolerable.

No, I'm feeling like a hundred bucks Canadian because, mercifully, Burger King has decided to retire the creepy King from their ad campaigns. Turns out that, shockingly, the weirdo Monarch mascot with the giant plastic or paper mache head and spooky perma-smile that was often seen in commercials leering into people's windows or appearing in bed with unsuspecting men, just wasn't selling hamburgers. Not unlike an actual Whopper, that gruesome fellow was hard to swallow and haunted my dreams. The only thing worse would have been if the King and one of the Old Navy mannequins had released a sex tape. I also loathed the mannequin campaign Old Navy ran forever. So creepy. Why was one of the mannequins British? Was she their nanny? Maybe I just hated them because I'm bitter about the fact that those hot dummies seemed to score more sitcom work than me.

Is it just me or have many commercials gone from bad to downright scary?

I loved the random Old Spice commercials when they initially appeared but now that Fabio and his alarming crows feet have taken over, those ads have gone from quirky, sexy and funny to creepy, unintelligible and more played out than Charlie Sheen's "Winning."

Is nothing sacred anymore? The cartoon Charmin ads with bits of toilet paper sticking to the cubs' butt certainly answer the question: "Does a bear crap in the woods?" and apparently Academy Award and Emmy-winning comedy icon Whoopi Goldberg may be blessed with uber talent and a masterful wit but she also wets her pants on a daily basis. Thus her need for some heinous product ironically called Poise.

I have cringed at feminine hygiene commercials since birth but I can't help but giggle at the one that begins with a rather distraught young woman wearing a sad little hoodie announcing: "I found out about my feminine odor problem in the worst way possible." How? Through an intervention?

But the new Febreze campaign is by far the most ridiculous and creepiest of them all. The current ads for the sassy air freshener feature innocent bystanders who are blindfolded and brought to what appears to be flophouses, crack dens and/or meth labs. Once inside the newly Febrezed dwellings, these game but unsuspecting folks start rolling in what is surely maggot-infested couches and start rubbing sketchy looking pillows all over their faces in order to drink in the vanilla goodness. Meanwhile, in the background, a mangy cat with a missing ear and tail runs through the frame and it's all caught on grainy film by a hidden camera. I keep fearing that one of these good people is going to sit on a hypodermic needle, catch ringworm or some strain of an undiscovered STD. I swear for the first few seconds, I thought I was watching an episode of Criminal Minds. However, I do find it oddly comforting to know that Febreze is effective in getting out those nasty urine and dead hooker smells.

Don't get me wrong, there are still some extremely clever and funny commercials out there. For example, The Dos Equis beer ads featuring "The Most Interesting Man in the World" never fail to make me laugh out loud although I should note that the most interesting man in the world appears to be an octogenarian arms dealer.

Stay creepy my friends.