02/23/2014 07:26 EST | Updated 04/25/2014 05:59 EDT

Let's (Really) Talk About Sex

Whether you're a 40-something plus, cruising through Gen Y, or reinventing the world as a 20ish, sometimes it can be hard to YOLO your sex life with all of the mixed messaging and fractured ideologies being thrown in the mix. Many unfortunately have the influence to lead you astray of what is healthy, sexy and your ultimate a consenting choice.

We live, we date, we love, we fall out of love, we cheat, we stare, we fantasize and, we makes mistakes, but one thing is always a commonly experienced reality: we don't talk enough about sex. Period. I'm not referencing the imagery that we are bombarded with regularly in terms of pornography, or the immense sexualization & objectification of women & youth in particular. What I am talking about is the everyday stuff. The everyday sex stuff. I'm talking about the shame, the guilt, the horniness, the stiffies, the wetness, the staring, the fantasizing, the blushing, the rubbing -- basically, the "me and you" and everyday kind of stuff that happens to pretty much all of us that is 100% completely normal. We just don't talk about it, ever really! Sex today is all about Brazilian waxes, misappropriated taxes, inflated body parts, the right money shots, regulations, instructions and conventions. The point here is that sex happens, everyday to everyone whether warranted or not.

This quick list then is more of an observance. As I sat down to write I wondered what it is that we've missed in all of our "top tip" columns and came up with a short list of the sex acts we more often than not don't share with others, let alone discuss in polite company. I am hoping that this will spark discussions with your lovers and reflection within you to start talking about sex and normalize the conversation.

1. When you masturbate next to your sleeping partner

Mismatched libidos are a real influence that have impeded on the long term success of many relationships over time. Not only that, but some of us can rise to the occasion at the crack of AM, while others are more enticed to get jiggy post Jimmy Fallon. Either way, many of us have experienced that moment when our metaphorical sex juices (or literal for some) are flowing and our partner is next to us sawing wood; and not the beard-babe Canadian lumberjack kind. If you haven't rubbed one out next to your sleeping partner or excused yourself to another room to get the job done, then you haven't been in your relationship long enough. Maintaining an active self pleasuring relationship with yourself is just as important as maintaining an intimate relationship with your partner; and, for some of us, having a big O on a regular basis is more effective for a relaxing sleep, reducing stress, or works better than caffeine in the morning! Just remember lover, don't take this sex act personally -- this isn't about your partner avoiding sex with you, it's about relieving something within them.

2. The sex-crazed 2nd trimester

Throughout the years I have heard my BFFs, with their cute semi-inflated bellies, enviably strong nails, all getting their glow on, share with me extensive details that their nether regions are ravenous for some loving. Usually they are taken aback by this new found sexual karmic energy. I'll admit, I immediately high-five them (because I'm a good friend like that). Then, I tell them that this libido boost should be looked at as life giving you a high-five and giving you a chance to experience heightened lust for a limited time as in a few months there will be a moment when you might not want to even acknowledge you have a vagina, let alone want someone else to look at her. The experience of an increased sex drive during pregnancy is common and can also be an intimately strengthening period of time that can bring couples closer as they anticipate the arrival of their new bundle. So, don't worry if this happens, go with the flow and get your glow on girl!

3. Cheating on your partner in sex dreams

Well, this is awkward. You've just woken up from a deep sleep and then remember that you've been romping all night with the Sandman who may also happen to be your Ex. That's when the WTF moment kicks in. Sex dreams happen to everyone. Sometimes they are as pleasurable as riding white horses in the meadow with George Clooney or getting naughty with Mila Kunis' legs wrapped around your waist. Either way, you wake up refreshed, happy and sometimes a little moist all over. But, let's be clear here, this isn't A) cheating on your partner B) wrong or C) controllable. There are theories to suggest that we dream about sex more often when we desire it during our daily roused hours, but then again there are theories to suggest that these dreams happen when have been engaging in more sex than usual. Either way, our greatest fantasies and ideas can often be imagined when we catch some shut eye, so sail in the wind with your hair down or re-experience those past lovers without the guilt, because we are all sexual beings at all times of the day and night. There is no shame in the sleep game.

4. Faking orgasms

What is it with orgasms? They are amazing, super fun, beneficial to your health and bring your skin a more than desirable glow, yet, for some reason so many of us insist on restraint whilst discussing our orgasmic map. This occurs so much so that we have developed unhealthy patterns and inconsistent sexual experiences which have translated into a societal distortion of our overall attitudes and values towards sex. For some even, more often than not are many of us pretending to be experiencing pleasure and faking our orgasms. TBH I'd rather just eat a bowl of caramels than be wasting my time! Let me break it down for you: 48% of women and 11% of men (cc: Jimmy Jane) say they have faked an orgasm. Ladies, I'm looking at you because we need to pull it together here and reclaim those lost orgasms! Our sexual confidence has subsided for many reasons, but mainly because our sex-esteem has been suppressed by a general fear of talking about sex.


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