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My Tinder Bender Date #10: The Out of Towner

I tell him he looks way younger than 43. "You don't look 34 either," he says. "Yay! We're just two people, defying age! We must look young, because we avoid things like marriage and babies!" He coughs a little. "Actually, I've had both."

He looks like Jason from General Hospital. Even though I was more of a Young and the Restless girl growing up, I still remember the dreaminess of Steve Burton. He was also on a show called Out of this World. Remember that one? It came on after Small Wonder. No? You don't? Well, long story short, he's a facking babe.

I message him first. We have three mutual Facebook friends, so if he ends up being creepy, I have three friends to ask, "Why are you friends with a creepy guy?" I open our communication with this:

Woo hoo! Someone who's over 30! Too many kinders on here...

He messages back.

Ha! Screw 30. I crushed those. 40 is where it's at :)

He's actually 43, but you CANNOT tell. He must have cut the Cheez Whiz out of his diet at an early age. Steve Burton (let's just call him that, so I can fulfill a childhood fantasy) tells me he's visiting from Calgary. That's another great feature of Tinder. Since it's GPS based, you can land in a new city, and start shopping for local babes. Vacation flings are the best. You can anonymously have a one night stand, then go home and just tell your friends how great the Empire State Building was. The lay doesn't even have to go on your record. (Not that I would know.)

I'm going for dinner with my girlfriends at a Mexican restaurant before the date. I know American readers are probably thinking "Yikes!" right now, but don't worry. Canadian Mexican restaurants haven't quite grasped the authenticity of how many refried beans are supposed to go on the plate. Our bums are pretty safe up here. What we're not safe from is, how tacky I will dress when I go to a Mexican restaurant. The only thing I'm missing is a sombrero. I know this is NOT a sexy dress to wear on a first date, but a guy might as well know right off the bat, I shop drunk sometimes. Especially on a holiday. In Berlin, you can drink on the streets, so you can imagine what kind of state I was in when I bought this dress. (I also bought hot dog earrings.)

Steve Burton mentions he used to work at Benetton with a comedian I know, back in 1991. I loved Benetton when I was a teenager, but Esprit was my real favourite. I don't tell him this, obvi. I don't want to hurt his feelings. (But seriously, I hope he doesn't still work in retail.) I tell him to meet me at Hemingways, in Yorkville. Fack! Why do I keep taking dates here? The staff MUST think I'm an escort by now. He beats me to the bar, and texts me to let me know what floor he's on.

I walk up to the third floor and look around. I see a guy sitting alone at the bar. He doesn't really look like the dreamy Steve Burton shots I saw on his profile... this was bound to happen. Some people look totally different than their online pics. I don't actually wear a pink fedora as much as my FB pics would make you think. I awkwardly walk over. As I approach him, I'm scared to say anything. Finally I say,


Then he says,

"I'm Justin. Are you Steph?"

I burst out laughing. I guess I'm not the only online dater who uses Hemingways for first dates.

"NO! I'm not! Haha! Are you on a Tinder Date too?"

"OK Cupid."

My date texts me, informing me he's on the OTHER side of the bar. Whoops. And sure enough, I turn around to see Steve Burton waving. Bonus. My date is way hotter than Steph's date. She'll figure that out once she gets here. (Whoever she is.)

I give Steve Burton a hug, and declare my embarrassment of approaching the wrong guy right in front of him. He smiles, and his dreaminess immediately makes me feel like I shouldn't have worn this dorky dress. Damn me. This always happens on days I go to the gym. I get overconfident. Like I can pull off any outfit. He's a total babe. I find myself zoning out during the conversation, thinking things like:

I must be the grossest girl this guy has ever been out with...

I bet all his exes look like Olivia Munn...

Maybe he doesn't just date brunettes... maybe he's had a couple of blonde girlfriends. Not ditzy looking blondes, though. More stern looking blondes, like Charlize Theron...

You're so quick to complain when guys aren't as good looking as their profile pictures, but sometimes I think it's ME who doesn't look as good.

I finally land my brain's personal space shuttle, and start focusing on our conversation again. He's really nice. I can't help but compliment him on how attractive he is. Not everyone who's gorgeous actually knows it. Some hot people are actually insecure. I tell him he looks way younger than 43.

"You don't look 34 either," he says.

"Yay! We're just two people, defying age! We must look young, because we avoid things like marriage and babies!"

He coughs a little.

"Actually, I've had both."

FAAAAAAAAAACK! Foot's in the mouth again. And it doesn't taste good, cuz these Birkenstocks are pretty worn out. (Yes, I wore Birkenstocks on a date. Don't judge me. No wonder I'm self-conscious.) I was totally prepared for the kids on the last date, and then they were non-existent. This date I wasn't expecting them, and here they are. These kids must be gorgeous too. Little Steve Burton/Olivia Munn's. Maybe they already have a show on Treehouse.

He has two daughters. Cool. We probably have the same taste in music. Steve Burton confesses he knows all the words to "22" by Taylor Swift. SWOON

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