The twins will be two in a little over two months, yet I still feel like I'm in a constant struggle with myself, I still feel like I have fresh postpartum emotions.
Shouldn't I be happy? I have three healthy children, I have a wonderful husband, I have supportive friends and family, I have a roof over my head and a vehicle to drive, yet I'm so full of anger, so much anger.
Every night I am mad at myself for yelling at my children, for losing my cool for reasons that don't warrant such anger. I can't believe how much I yell, I hate yelling. I don't want yelling to be how I get my point across.
Every day I wonder what I'm doing so wrong that I can't deal with my own children without getting so frustrated and annoyed. I love these tiny humans so much, so much it hurts sometimes. I would do anything for my children.
I don't remember the last time I had a full nights sleep and the less sleep I get, the more emotional I get.
The every day tasks have become daunting to me. Getting them all dressed and out the door without yelling is a rare occurrence around here. Getting dinner made and served without crying only happens a couple of times a week these days.
Evie, our four-year-old needs to be asked multiple times to do anything, she argues with every thing I ask her to do, literally every single thing. She's only four, I remind myself every day, she's only four.
The twins whine, cry and demand my attention so much that I can't get anything done without having to stop multiple times. Are they so miserable because of me? Am I a horrible mom and they just don't want me?
I'm tired, so fucking tired. I don't remember the last time I had a full nights sleep and the less sleep I get, the more emotional I get. My anxiety is through the roof.
Theo still won't go to bed without being rocked and put down totally asleep. He screams, he screams so loud and so hard the instant I put him down. He's too heavy, I can't rock him for so long anymore, my arms get numb and sore. Almost 22 months fighting for him to sleep has me completely spent. People say to enjoy rocking them cause one day they won't want to be rocked anymore, guess what? I don't enjoy it anymore, there is nothing enjoyable about feeling like my arms are going to give out under his weight.
There is no shame in admitting that you're struggling with emotions the same as mine.
Theo doesn't nap anymore, he hasn't for weeks. I tried just rocking him for as long as I could then putting him in his crib, all he did was pace and chat in his crib for however long I would leave him. He was miserable for over two weeks without napping. A couple of days he was so tired that he did nap but then he, of course, wouldn't go to bed those nights. 22 months of fighting him to nap, it's gotten old, I'm drained.
I try so hard to be positive, I work on self reflection and try to surround myself with positive people. I try, I truly try, all day, every day, I try. I'm burnt out. I don't want to complain, I feel guilty for complaining, I should be happy. I know I'm blessed/lucky/etc. but I'm just so tired and so angry. I want to feel better, I don't know how to anymore, I just don't.
Since writing this blog I determined that I needed to take more steps to get beyond the depression, anxiety and rage. I am moving in the right direction now and am hopeful that these feelings will all be a thing of the past soon enough.
Postpartum depression is real and it's serious. There is no shame in admitting that you're struggling with emotions the same as mine. Sometimes we need a little help to be the best person for us and for our families. Please know, you are not alone, there is a ton of support out there, sometimes you just have to seek it.
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